Letters to Elijah: Entry 16

April 23, 2019

By Sanda Rathamone



“Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good, behave yourself and never mind the rest.” - Beatrix Potter

"Dear Elijah,

I went to Toy Safari today. That store always has the most flashing displays; the front entrance is packed full with all kinds of colorful toys. I walk by that store almost every week or so, but today, I was curious. Today, I decided to take a look inside.

Just as I expected, the inside was loaded - LOADED! Everywhere I looked, toys were lined up in rows upon rows, hanging here and there, gathered behind glass, piled in clear boxes, and stacked on packed shelves. Just about every square inch of that store had something to explore (now I understand why it's called "Toy Safari").

Upon walking into the store, there was small black puppy that was curled up and sleeping inside of a dog bed; it was on top of a glass counter. It looked so real, I had to touch it just to make sure it wasn't. I wondered how you would feel seeing a puppy for the first time. Would you have been scared? Would you be amazed, curious? Would you want to hold it or run away?

I noticed that there were people in the store; parents with their kids. I saw a young dad with a baby girl in his arms, his "dad friend" who had a small boy wandering about, a mother with three children. I was the only one - besides two of the employees - who didn't have a child gazing at a stuffed animal, picking out an action figure, or stoked to see this jungle of a store.

It made me feel out of place like I didn't belong there. Like I shouldn't be there. Like I was lost and made a wrong turn, a very bad wrong turn.

Behind the front window, there was this adorable little nook where kids could play with painted wooden trains. I could imagine you with another little boy, "choo, choo-ing" and having so much fun watching the trains go around the tracks... I read a sign that said, "Keep the trains on the table." Would I have had to remind you of this? Probably.

The store didn't have a beginning or an end, it just went on and on, like a kaleidoscope - it was mesmerizing! There was much to look at, so much to touch and test and hold that I felt overwhelmed. I didn't really know where to begin or what I was looking for. I just kept walking on this safari, scavenging and searching for... memories? The could haves. The would haves. The should haves. The endless possibilities. 

I saw patches of bright pink, pink boxes, pink dolls, pink things. Pink made me wonder if I would ever have a little girl - a little girl who would be your little sister. I saw rows of different kinds of cars: race cars, sports cars, collectible cars in a variety of styles, colors. These cars reminded me of when my mom would buy my brother, Kevin, those collectible cars from the Chevron gas stations when he was a small boy. I don't know if they sell them anymore, but those toy cars were the best, better than Hot Wheels.

I saw other things I loved as a child: slinkies, clip-on plushies, coloring sets, more stuffed animals. And then, I saw a stuffed Peter Rabbit, a character I loved from Beatrix Potter's books; it brought so many happy, comforting memories. I would have bought it for you and tell you all about Peter Rabbit, but I didn't and I couldn't, and that's what made me sad.

My mini safari ended there. 

I was sad to enter the real world again. As I stepped out of the jungle, I looked back. I looked at all of the things set outside one more time and noticed something I hadn't before: wagons. Red Radio Flyer wagons. When my little sister, Amy, was about two or three, I remember my cousins buying one of those wagons and we would put Amy inside, and haul her around in it. And then, Kevin, who loved stuffed monkeys, would haul his "babies" around when he had the chance. I gaze at those wagons today and try to picture you in them, but I can't. And I will never know. 

I love you more than love. 

Love, 

Mama."

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.

With love,
Must Read:
Read Elijah's Story, "From Gender Reveal to a Spontaneous Delivery"

Photo: weightlossseniors

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