Baby In The Sky

April 6, 2019

By Sanda Rathamone



"Imagine a love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain."

My baby died.
But before he died, he lived.

The story of his life starts off like this:

For years, my womb ached and was eerily silent, empty and bare. My womb had a heart of its own, a heart that yearned for life. Why I had this yearning, I did not know. Perhaps, God had placed this in the depths of my heart, inside of my womb. On the third year, the aching had turned into desperation and despair. So, on one lonely night, I made an honest prayer with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I asked heaven to fill my womb with joy and bring us the child of our dreams. I promised that I would fulfill my duty as a mother to her child. I declared my love and commitment to do as I should.

Two weeks later, heaven had heard my cry and answered my prayer.

Slowly and silently, life grew inside of my womb. I lived each day as if it were a dream I could not believe. Had heaven truly blessed me with this? Yet, as my womb began to expand, my body was proof that indeed, there was another life blooming and thriving with a beating heart inside of me. I ate and I slept and I dreamt of the happy family were going to be. I tried different names of who our child would become, until the day that we found out that we would be having a son.

Before we knew his name, I dreamt that things would not go according to plan. I could not save the boy, while his brother was delighted and waited for me. I had twins and God had made me choose. And though he was helpless, I chose Elijah, the one who could not stay.

For five months, my baby lived inside of me. He ate and he slept and he dreamt inside of my womb, where it was once empty and bare, and yearning for life. The heart in my womb throbs and painfully weeps for him and the heart in my mother's body is shattered and scarred. I gained a hole in my body that could never be filled. There is this aching in my arms for the child who would have been. There is this deafening cry I wish I could hear. My baby never cried, not once, but he lived and he died. God gave him wings soon after he was born, so that he could fly in the sky and show me the light.

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz. and 10 in.
Due October 30, 2016 


With love,
Must Read:
Read Elijah's Story, "From Gender Reveal to a Spontaneous Delivery"

Photo: pinterest/mobilion

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