Letters To Elijah: Entry 15

March 2, 2019

By Sanda Rathamone



"Talk as if what you want is in the process of coming." -Abraham Hicks

"Dear Elijah,

Time is swinging by fast, it is now the month of March. However, my mind is three months ahead. Before I know it, it will be June; the month you were born and died. It will have been three years since you were taken from me and that is a scary thing to think about. I don't know how long I could live while counting the years of your death.

I am nowhere near ready to fully accept that three years will have passed by. My heart is still far behind, back to the days I first and last held you in my arms. 

There is also something else that has been trickling into my thoughts these past few weeks. A few months or so after you died, I was desperate to have another baby. It didn't make sense that I had worked so hard and sacrificed so much just to lose you and everything I dreamed of. Somehow, I found this TTC online forum of women discussing how they contacted psychics to predict when they would fall pregnant.

Surprisingly, some were correct, even deadly accurate, others couldn't have been more wrong. I thought it didn't hurt to give it a try, since there was a one-time free "reading." All I had to do was download an app and choose a psychic. I picked a woman who was recommended on the forum and emailed her about how I lost you and wanted to know when I would have another baby. Although, a part of me knew not to have any expectations and take everything with a grain of salt.

I don't remember everything she said in her response, but she expressed her condolences and claimed that March was going to be the month. When I read this, I felt like waiting until March was going to take forever! I wanted to be pregnant soon, now! Sadly, there was nothing else I could do or ask, but to wait and see if she was right.

So, months go by and March (2017) rolls in. By the end of March, I felt betrayed, foolish, stupid. She was wrong. I was not pregnant, there was no baby. "It was a scam!," I hear myself say. "She was a phony!" Nonetheless, I took her word, expected too much, and cried about it. It was all fake! Then, I remembered that she never mentioned a year, she only said the month would be March. In the next year, this whole thing came back to mind. I had such high hopes that this was it! Again, March 2018 was a huge disappointment, like every other month.

I have forgotten all about this, up until recently. I don't want my hopes up or to believe in this anymore. I don't even know why I am writing about this. Perhaps, I just want to give it a voice and let it go. But it's hard. 

Lately, I have been seeing signs of rainbows everywhere. Rainbow shirts, rainbow ads, rainbow umbrella, rainbow this and that. I also had a dream of a double rainbow a week or so ago. I think it is because I am searching for rainbows, which is why I am attracting it. But I haven't seen a rainbow in the sky, even with all of this rain that has been falling this past week. If I happen to see a double rainbow in the sky like in my dream, then I would know that this is all real...

Earlier today, your daddy and I went fishing. As I watched him tie his rods, him being so focused, calm, at peace... I was amazed at how beautiful he looked doing something that seems so ordinary. I was amazed that he and I made you, and wondered if it we really did. You have been gone for so long that I still cannot believe that you were once alive and real. I also wondered how it would have looked to watch him teach you how to tie your own line. Or if your facial expressions would resemble him, or me?

Sometimes, I see you in him, I see the man you would have become, maybe a little softer around the edges (because of me). I see the child in him that we had lost. I wish you were here, Elijah. We were all supposed to go fishing, together.

Love,

Mama."

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.

With love,
Must Read:
Read Elijah's Story, "From Gender Reveal to a Spontaneous Delivery"

Photo: pinterest

Join the conversation!

Latest Instagrams

© Little Heart Tiny Wings. Design by FCD.