A - Z: Baby Loss

January 22, 2019

By Sanda Rathamone

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."

I was inspired to do an A - Z list after coming across Hanna Pontillo's blog title, "A-Z of Baby Loss." My alphabet list consists of all of the words I could think of that surrounds my experience after baby loss. For an interesting touch, the words are also a link to a past blog post that concerns the topic.

A is for Antepartum - the floor in the hospital where we stayed.
B is for Breast milk - that came in a few days after birth.
C is for Club - for being in a club that no one wants to be in.
D is for Delivery - for the hours of contractions in labor and delivery.
E is for Elijah - the name we chose for you.
F is for Fear - of losing another baby and never having one.
G is for Grief - the price of loving you.
H is for Holidays - those days that intensify your absence.
I is for Infertility - the struggle to conceive after loss.
J is for Jealousy - of every pregnant woman and mother.
K is for Keepsakes - the things we have to remember you by.
L is for Love - I loved you since before you were born.
M is for Mother - for I will always be your mother.
N is for Naive - the woman I was before you died.
O is for Overjoyed - what we felt when we found out that you were a boy, 3 days before you died.
P is for Postpartum - six weeks of bleeding.
Q is for Quiet - the deafening sound from family.
R is for Remembering - dates and anniversaries.
S is for Stillbirth - fetal death at or after 20 to 28 weeks of pregnancy.
T is for Triggers - the things that remind me of what I lost and will never be.
U is for Unused - clothing, crib, and blankets.
V is for Vacancy - the painful emptiness inside my womb.
W is for Why - always asking "Why did my baby die?"
X is for "X marks the spot" - of where we planted your tree.
Y is for Years - the first year, the toddler years, the adolescent years, the teen years, and the adult years we will never see.
Z is for Zero - the movie, Return to Zero.

*Disclosure: I read Hanna's blog post after creating my list to make sure that my ideas were as honest and authentic as possible. You will see that some words are similar, since our common experience of loss brings us to certain words.

With love,

Must Read:
Read Elijah's Story, "From Gender Reveal to a Spontaneous Delivery"

Photo: maxpixel

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