Letters To Elijah: Entry 13

December 17, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone

"Bond: noun: a force or feeling that unites people; a common emotion or interest."

"Dear Elijah,

There was a day I cried and began asking that question I would ask for months after you died: "Why?" 

Why did you have to die?

Why did God give you to me, just to take you back?

Why do they get to keep their babies and not me?

 And then, I went to the other place, the "Did I's?"

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not deserve you?

And the, "Did you?"

Did you not love me?

Did you not want me?

These same old questions resurfaced with a bang; they hurt so much. It hurts to not know the answers. It hurts that I am asking these unanswerable questions that will haunt me for I don't know how long, but feels like it has been forever and a lifetime.

You are a mystery and I ache to know how I would have loved you without so much pain. 

And yet, I feel you everywhere and love you so much that it hurts. Your touch, so faint, it intensifies this hunger to reach out and grab hold of you - and never let go.

There was this one night your daddy and I were laying on the floor, talking about random things. I don't know how we ended up talking about phones and phone numbers, but we "rediscovered" something that wasn't a "lost treasure," until now.

When your daddy and I were in our beginning stages years and years ago, his old phone number was 501-6610. I didn't realize it at first, but when my mind "clicked," I was shocked to realize that his number were your numbers - it was you! 16 for the day you were born and 651 for the time you died. Your daddy and I had this striking epiphany that we were meant to be, you were meant to be, and everything was set up and fated in this crazy, amazing way.

And you were with us long before we knew about you. 

Realizing this answers the Did I's and Did You's. I did nothing wrong. I did deserve you. You did love me. You did want me - and I know that you still do. Sadly, this does not answer my Whys. Would I ever know the Whys? If so, would I be okay with the answers?...

These numbers prove that we have always been connected and reminds me of a movie I watched the other day called, Entanglement. There was a scene where this girl asks this guy, "Have you ever heard of quantum entanglement?" She explains: "Well, these special little particles are created together and then no matter where they go, they're bonded... forever."

In a later scene, the guy brings up the topic again and compares it to telepathy, "the two particles, or their spin... it's like they're two parts of the same thing." The girl uses two quarters to explain how as two particles, "they're created and connected together and they seem almost the same, but whenever one is heads, the other is tails. It's just how they are. They're opposition forever."

So, every time they flipped the quarters, one was heads and the other tails; never the same. Yet, they are connected, like a magnet. Personally, I haven't tested this, but if I apply this theory to our connection, things somewhat makes sense. I am here, you are there (wherever you are, but I know you are close). Yet, even with opposition, we are forever connected, fused and bonded by... love.

Love, I realized, makes my connection to you more powerful than anything in this world.

Some say that our children choose us before they are born. Others say that we have made agreements long before we are all born. For me, both are true. 

As a spirit, waiting to be born before being pregnant with you makes sense; those numbers made sense. It comforts me to know that you were there since the beginning and more so that you have always been close, waiting and listening for the night I would send prayers for you.

You were meant to be and you have always been Elijah. You couldn't have been anyone else.

Love, Your Mommy."

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.

With love,
Must Read:
Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

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