Twenty-Six Things: I Wanted To Know About You

November 13, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone

"You were a part of me for just a little while – I grieve because I’ll never see the magic in your smile." - Goodbye My Little One, from a poem on Child Loss. 

November is the third "-Ber month," as well as, the month of my birthday. I turn twenty-six on November 15th. This year is the also the third birthday that has passed by, without Elijah.

Although, after Elijah died, my birthdays have been anything, but happy. What kills the 'Happy' from the 'Birthday' is how much I miss Elijah and how his absence creates an emotional emptiness on a day that I should be happily celebrating (as a mother).

Last year's birthday was a difficult one and the birthday wish I made has not been (or has yet to be) granted. However, last year's birthday wish still stands today, on the day of my birthday, and probably for a long time.

It hurts to be the one who is still wishing for my baby...

I have been thinking about the number twenty-six lately and what it means to me. All I could think of is how I am turning twenty-six and is still dreadfully childless. Infertility after loss SUCKS and I need some way to express my grief.

I decided to make lists of twenty-six things surrounding Elijah, child loss, and infertility (and maybe TTC). I will blog these lists in parts.

Here is Part One.

Twenty-Six Things: I Wanted To Know About You

1. Your kicks in my belly
2. Your cry
3. The color of your eyes
4. Your finger wrapped around mine
5. The weight of your newborn body
6. Your new baby smell
7. The way your chest rises and falls
8. The way you recognize my voice
9. The crease of your smile
10. Your first word
11. The way you say, "Mama."
12. The day you start crawling and walking
13. Your ticklish spot
14. The shape of your body in my arms
15. How fast you grow
16. How many clothes you go through in a day
17. The sound of your feet against the floor
18. Your first boo-boo
19. The contagiousness of your laughter
20. How cranky you are when you are tired
21. Your body warmth
22. How fast you can run
23. That one thing that always makes you feel better
24. How much you look like me or daddy
25. Your chasing and crying after me
26. The consistent sound of your two-year-old beating heart

With love,
Must Read:
Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

Photo: maxpixel

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