Letters to Elijah: Entry 10

September 16, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone

"When I walk, I walk with you. Where I go, you're always with me." - Alice Hoffman

"Dear Elijah,

When I was walking across the street from school, there was a black butterfly that flew by. It was a black swallowtail and looked like your butterfly, but in a different color. It followed me, fluttering by my left side, until I passed a tree. It made me stop and smile. It flew away, then came back and fluttered in circles around me.

Was that you? 

Last weekend, your daddy came home with a gift bag he found while shopping for his co-worker’s baby shower. He bought it and gave it to me, even though I probably won't be able to do anything with it. On it had this rainbow with an adorable sun and it said, "You are my sunshine." I hope he feels the same way as I do about that song. I still have that jewelry box that has the sunflower and "You are my sunshine" on it. I still love it as much as I did the first time I saw it.

But a gift bag? Should I frame it, like how I jokingly said I would?

Was that you? 

I went to school and on the corner of the white board, someone drew a beautiful little rainbow with the word "imagination" on top of it.

Was that you?

When your daddy and I went fishing, it was late at night. I looked up in the dark, starry sky, and saw a shooting star. It made me excited! Even though it had already passed, I made a wish anyway. Later, I saw a second shooting star. I made the same wish again.

Was that you? 

Jazmine grabbed and touched your photo from my desk, for the second time. This time, she wanted to open the back. I put it back on my desk and didn't let her touch it after that. The first time she ever glanced or touched it, it was like she never noticed it before. Weeks have passed. Why again?

Was that you?

When I hold and hug Jazmine, I think of you. I think of how fun it would have been to see Jazmine playing with you. It makes me sad that I get to touch her feet and toes, but not yours. She is the closest thing to knowing you and how you would have been like because she is your cousin and was born eight months after you died. There are days that I find it heartbreaking to see her, but there are days that she makes me happy.

Was that you?

I had a dream today about a baby kissing my nose.

(Related Read: Kissed By An Angel)

Was that you? 

I was listening to music on YouTube. This song called "Are We Too Late" by Tom Leeb came on and I now replay it over and over because it soothes me. It reminds me of you.

Was that you?

When I wake up every morning and go to school, it's hard. But I do it. Even when I don't want to, something pushes me to keep going.

Was that you? 

I was sitting in the car yesterday, waiting for your daddy to finish his fishing. A ladybug flew to the windshield and landed right in front of me. Then it flew away. When we drove to another spot, I sat there waiting again. Another ladybug flew to the windshield and landed on the wipers. It beckoned me to make a wish, since I didn't make one the first time.

Was that you?

When I was waiting at the bus stop, I thought of the color blue. Maybe blue describes was how I was feeling? Then I saw two pregnant women crossing the street in both directions. It made me sad. I looked at the sky and thought of you. Then, a car stopped at a red light. It was a blue car and on the license plate had the numbers of your birthday.

I know that it was you. 

When we were driving home today, I saw a car with the license plate 6JOY661. I know it was backwards, but 6 = letters of your name and 6/16 is your birthday. The word JOY sparked light in my heart. I think it is a sign to feel joy or to look forward to experiencing joy in my life again.

I know that it was you. 

One day, when your daddy and I find out that we are having a baby again... will it be you? 

Will it be you who grants my wishes?

Will you let me hold you again?"

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.

With love,

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