Dreaming of a Family, Visitations, and a Spirit Birthing

May 20, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone



"For certain is death for the born And certain is birth for the dead; Therefore over the inevitable Thou shouldst not grieve." - The Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 2. 

Not too long ago, I was getting these spasm-like, twitching feelings in my lower abdomen. These twitches were distinct - nothing like a rumbly, hungry stomach. They felt almost like baby kicks.

I remember posting a blog about experiencing "phantom kicks" or kicks women experience postpartum, and sadly, after loss (it's actually very common).

These spasm twitches felt much like phantom kicks. 

Although, they weren't uncomfortable, like a sad reminder of losing Elijah, but more like because these spasm twitches wouldn't stop. It was as if some muscle down there was going berserk, like it was on caffeine, maniacally jumping up and down and all over in my womb area.

Every time I would lay down, these spasms would start and when I would sit up, they would stop - sometimes only for a few minutes and then start up again. 

All I could remember was how odd this sensation felt and that it would make my heart race and had me gasping for more air. It made me take deeper breaths. I told my husband about this before bed - not that he would know what to do or what to say - because I wasn't sure what was wrong with me or what was going on down there. Gladly, by the next morning, the spasm-twitching lightened and went away.

Yet, even though it had me worried, it brought some excitement. It really did feel like there was a baby in there.

But it couldn't be. How could it be? 

Maybe, this was all in my head - I don't know.

And then, something else happened.

A couple of days ago, I woke up in the morning with a slight crampy feeling in my lower abdomen, right under the belly button (the same place where the spasm twitching started).

I thought, Oh no, am I going to get my period?

I went into the bathroom, checked my underwear - nope, no blood. That's a good sign, right?

I checked my period app.

I just had a period a couple of weeks ago. 

So, this isn't a sign of a period? 

A few hours later, my lower abdomen starts to bloat and all of a sudden, I had this pooch of a stomach. I looked swollen and felt extremely puffy. So, like I always do when I felt crampy and bloated, I warmed up my heat pad, laid in bed, and placed the pad wrapped in a cloth on top of my stomach. I really thought I was going to get my period again, but this wasn't likely. I just had a period and my cycles are very long and irregular. Never had I ever had a period so soon after finishing one.

I told my husband about this and he thought it was weird, too.

Though, one good thing was that at least the cramping and bloating wasn't accompanied with backache, which usually what happens before my period.

Still, throughout the day, I checked for blood - nothing.

I was really scared of the possibility of a miscarriage; I had never had one before. Yet, didn't I have to get pregnant first, in order to have a miscarriage? The cramps also started feeling like mini, light contractions, similar to when I was in labor with Elijah - but much lighter and bareable.

I stayed in bed most of the day with my heat pad, relieved that I didn't have to work that day, so that I didn't have to work feeling whatever it was I was feeling.

Later that night, I had a dream. 

In the dream, I was driving my sister's car to the store. Then, out of nowhere, I was car-less. I was on foot, walking by an alley, afraid that someone would rob me or worse, kidnap and rape me. I called my husband on the phone and told him that I needed a ride. 

By the time he got to me, I was already close to my destination and he appeared with his motorcycle. (In real life, he doesn't have one.) Somehow, I was ready to go and already bought my things. Unfortunately, the motorcycle had problems and wouldn't start. We couldn't get home. 

Now, calling on the phone for my sister to help, she stops by no less than a minute - with a car! She drove by in her new, sleek, black car with these super dark tinted windows, and gave us a helping hand to start up the motorcycle. 

When she drove away, the motorcycle turned into my husband's normal four-door, white sedan. 

The motorcycle turned into a car because now, it wasn't just the two of us, but three. 

I looked down and standing next to my husband's legs is this little boy who I knew was Elijah. 

ELIJAH! 

His head reached to about my husband's knees and he had this very distinct hair length to his ears. His hair was brown and straight down, until it hit his ears. The end of his hair curled upwards at the tops of his ears. 

He looked to be at about his actual age at one-and-a-half years old, not yet two. (Today, Elijah would be almost nineteen-months-old if he was born on his due date.)

He was so attached to his daddy and such a sweet little boy. I could tell that by his energy, he was shy, very timid, quiet, kind of like the both of us. He had this gentleness and softness about him that when you looked at him, you knew that he would only approach you if he sensed kindness or an aura of honesty. 

He was holding onto what had appeared to be a toy truck and wouldn't let it go. 

I was so surprised to see Elijah that even in a dream, I had thoughts of, "is this a dream?!" I just couldn't believe it! 

But the surprises didn't end there. 

My stomach felt off. If Elijah had already been born more than a year ago, why did my stomach look as if it was still healing - weeks after birth? I raised my shirt and looked at my reflection on a shop's window. It just looked so weird and there was something about my stomach that was unsettling. 

The surprise appeared on my left shoulder. I was holding a baby under a blanket in my arms. Now, instead of three, it was the four of us!

Supposedly, I was pregnant soon after having Elijah. I recently gave birth to this baby girl, to our daughter, to Elijah's baby sister! I knew she was a girl because - like how I felt about Elijah's energy - I felt that the baby's energy was a girl. 

I was stunned to see that the two of us became a family of four in a matter of minutes. What the heck?! This was soooooo cool, then again, I was frozen, unsure of how to feel or what to do. I had everything I had always wanted. I had my family.  It was as if God had given me everything, most of all, God had returned to me what I had lost, plus a little more! I was happy, excited, nervous, scared, shocked, and absolutely breathless, that I wasn't sure what was the right thing to feel. 

Yet, since I had two kids (a walking toddler and a baby in my arms) I wasn't sure how to handle being a mother to both. 

A day later, the four of us slept on our king-sized bed. From left to right, it was Elijah, Daddy, Baby Girl, and Mommy. Baby girl woke up early in the morning and wouldn't stop kicking me! (This part reminded me of the spasm-twitching that I was talking about earlier!) I told my husband that she wanted to wake up now and start the day. Then somehow, she got up and was hanging on the window, like a monkey! We were both surprised that she would rapidly grow (at times) and learn new things very quickly. 

For some reason, I didn't know the name to our baby girl and she was big for her size, like a nine-ten pound baby. I wanted to give her a bath with the intention similar to baptizing her. 

At home, in the bathroom, I undressed myself and baby and got into the tub with her. I was afraid of making the bath too hot or too cold. I was also afraid of making the water too high that she could possibly and accidentally drown. I didn't want to lose her, but I also didn't want to make her uncomfortable with my nervousness. I was unsure of how to be a mother because I was "out of practice." 

I somehow had the conscious knowing that I had lost Elijah and never had the opportunity to be a mother to a living child. 

I sat in the tub with my back facing the glass doors and the baby sitting in my lap, with my knees up. She was so beautiful and all I could do was look at her. Was she real? The skin-on-skin felt intimate, as if we were bonding by touch. Her eyes stayed with my eyes and had this look of needing assurance. Her eyes were asking if she was safe. Oh, I wanted to let her know that I would never let anything happen to her, but at the same time, I wasn't so sure. Yet, I would do my best, my very, very best. 

Somehow, Elijah opened the door to the bathroom and shyly asked if he could join. I had felt so guilty because I had been busy caring for the baby, that I hadn't made time for him. Immediately, I said, "sure!" and asked if he could grab me a non-slip grip under the sink for the baby. He handed it over to me, got into the bath, and sat on my left. I felt that he had missed me. 

Surprisingly, baby girl slid off my legs and sat next to Elijah, as if she was saying that she wanted to play with him. 

I could tell that Elijah and baby girl were opposites. He was shy, while she was out-spoken. He was slow-to-warm-up, while she was always ready for adventure. They balanced each other so well and I knew that Elijah wouldn't go anywhere without her. He was attached to her in a way that he knew that he was safer with her and she was so protective of him that she would always stand up for him. 

This reminded me so much of myself and my sister (I am Elijah and baby girl is my sister). And like real life, my sister and I are actually born a year-and-a-half apart. 

I woke up from this dream still not knowing the baby girl's name, but have a hunch that she could be the Elizabeth or Sarah, in which has "visited" me through reoccurring signs and dreams. I have written blogs about this: Closing The Book of Eli (And Dreaming About My Future Daughter?) and Dreaming About My Future Daughter Part 2.

To this day, I still see the names 'Elizabeth' and 'Sara(h)' in the same way that I experience visitations from Elijah's birthday numbers and butterfly (I post about them on Instagram).

However, one thing I know for sure, was that I was experiencing these recent phantom kicks/spasms/twitching and the bloating and cramping because of this baby girl. I know that she was connected to Elijah and perhaps - in a spiritual way - he could not be born without her in his life.

Somehow, I birthed this baby, physically and spiritually. I felt all of the physical pregnancy and birthing processes, but the birthing happened in the dream!

Maybe, she will visit me in my dreams again. Maybe one day, I will figure out if she is Elizabeth or Sarah, or Sarah Elizabeth. For some reason, I didn't feel that she was "mine" in the way I had felt about Elijah, probably because I was five months pregnant with him, before his death. I felt that she was given to me, entrusted to me because she was supposed to be with Elijah. Yet, as days go by, I am beginning to feel less "humanly attached" to Elijah. I am starting to realize that Elijah is not necessarily "mine," but a spirit of his own and a gift.

Today, I sit here as if nothing had happened. The spasm-twitching, bloating and cramping, are all gone, as if it was all just a dream. Although, today, my breasts are sore and I really don't want to get my hopes up. I have been disappointed too many times.

And then, I wonder, is she the twin brother in the twin dream I had days before Elijah's death? Where one couldn't be without the other?

It has been a long while since I have had a dream about Elijah and babies. If you saw my face the morning I woke up from that dream, you would have reacted like my husband.

He asked me why I was "smiling so hard" and smiled confusingly back at me.

It was because I was dreaming about our family.

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