March Twenty-First

March 21, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone
March 21, 2018

There are days that I now make an invisible note on my calendar. Those days are the days that I remember the beginnings of you, the beginnings of a family. Those are the days that I grieve the hardest because the beginnings are now memories that are never distant. 
Like February 26th (the day I found out that I was pregnant with Elijah), March 21st is now one of those days that I consider extra special and bittersweet.

This day is extra special because of two reasons:

1.) My youngest sister turns a year older (Happy sixteenth birthday, Amy!)

2.) Exactly two years ago, my husband and I went in for our second early ultrasound.

On the first sonogram (at 5 weeks), my husband and I went to the clinic, but he stayed in the waiting room during the scan, which made the second the first time he saw and heard Elijah's ultrasound. Although, what we both saw and heard that day was unforgettable.

March 21, 2016 was the day that we had heard Elijah's heartbeat for the very first time. I was 8 weeks pregnant and we were soooo in love (with our new baby).

I could remember that when I heard Elijah's heartbeat, I was in disbelief! I wasn't sure if what I was hearing was my own heartbeat or Elijah's. Strange though, that I would mention Elijah's name when at 8 weeks, we had no idea what we were having or knew what names we'd like at the time... I remembered how the doctor tried to explain that my heartbeat would be much slower than his. (I didn't hear the difference until we went in for a checkup a week after the 8 week ultrasound.)

However, my husband was more in love with Elijah's heartbeat and I with Elijah's sonogram. 

Elijah's sonogram at 8 weeks showed a big difference than the one taken at 5 weeks. I saw our baby grow from a small bubble to a teensy-weensy, itty-bitty baby. I was obsessed with the sonogram that I kept it as a screen saver on both of our phones and had it framed and placed on my shelf. It was the first sonogram that really proved that my womb was growing and carrying a baby.

Because not only was I in disbelief that I heard his heartbeat, I still couldn't believe that I was pregnant.

It didn't take until the day we lost him that I had fully realized that he was indeed, very real. Since it was my first pregnancy, I didn't "feel pregnant" until I had finally hit my 20 week mark. Sadly, Elijah left us just 4 days after our 20 week ultrasound/gender reveal.

Even though we could see a lot more of Elijah in the 20 week sonograms, this 8 week sonogram of his earliest development touches my heart the most. I was in love with calling him our "baby bear" before we had officially started looking for names. Needless to say, at 8 weeks, Elijah was in his "gummy bear" stage.

To this day, I no longer look at gummy bears in the same way as I had used to. I now remember that Elijah was once the size and shape of this cute little candy that even adults still love.

Today, I wanted to do something special to honor the day we finally got to see the beginning of Elijah and the very first time that we had heard those precious, unforgettable, palpable sounds of his tiny little beating heart.

I spent some time painting this two-year-old, 8 week sonogram of Elijah; my favorite sonogram of a small, well-kept and forever cherished collection.

This 8 week sonogram is truly one of my most favorite gifts to ever have and keep close to my forever partially broken and beating heart.

It is a wonder how life could still go on when your heart stopped beating. 

I miss you, Elijah.

 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

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