Two Pink Lines Two Years Ago

February 26, 2018

By Sanda Rathamone
February 26, 2018

"Hannah is being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that she may have great endurance and patience." -  Colossians 1:11
February twenty-sixth might be a day that is not significant to many. It might just be a regular day, another day of school and work, another day of bills, another day of life.

However, it could also be a significant and important day for many others. 

Today could be someone’s birthday or “birth day.” A new life could have been born or is being born at this very moment. Today could be a wedding day or 50-year anniversary. Today could even be the day that someone has taken their last and final breath - whether it be someone of old or very young age. 

Today could be another a day of survival mode...

All in all, the possibilities of today and what it means are endless. 

For me, today is February twenty-sixth; the day that after a few years of negative pregnancy tests, we finally got pregnant.

Today is the day that I found out that I was going to be a mommy for the very first time. 

Is it weird that every year on this day is highly significant to me? That from now on, I could remember the exact time and day of when I sat on the toilet and peed on a stick? Which of course was on Friday, February 26th, 2016 at 7:32 a.m. Thanks to my iPhone and iCloud for keeping this on record, so I that I will always remember this - not that I couldn’t have forgotten anyway. 

It’s probably not weird because I am sure that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of women who could also remember a day exactly like this; the day they had found out that they are pregnant. 

What makes this day extremely special is that it was a day that I never thought would ever come to light; I didn't think my dream would ever come true.

You don’t know how many times I have cried because I had set myself up for disappointment after disappointment. There were a few times that I had taken tests at the clinic, just to embarrassingly hear from someone else's mouth that I wasn’t (because I was so sure that I was). But, there were countless and many moments of cries in the bathroom because “crossing my fingers and hope to die” that I am finally pregnant didn’t work.

I was praying to God and my angels just a couple of weeks before the BFP (Big Fat Positive). I prayed and prayed. I spoke to spirits, one of them my grandmother who had past away a few years ago.

From then on, I believed in prayers.

It wasn't until we had lost Elijah five months later that I had felt confused and betrayed. Did I set myself up for disappointment again, moreover, a complete disaster? Was I not as ready as I had claimed to be? Did Elijah not want to stay with us anymore? Was this just a tease or a cruel joke?

Or, was this God's way of telling me of what is possible, yet, I still had so much to learn, especially when it came to patience? 

Two years later from the only positive pregnancy test I have ever had, I am still discovering the purpose of this loss and wonder if I will ever see two lines again. Could you believe it? Two years later I have not gotten pregnant again. As if God had plugged or closed my womb once again, hopefully temporarily...

There was this one day, months ago, that I started looking up stories about women in the Bible and infertility. I searched for answers, feeling that this struggle with infertility isn't just physical. I read about Elizabeth, then Sarah. I later discovered Rebekah and Hannah.

The scripture that resonated with me the most was this one from Hannah's story:

“It was this child I prayed for, and the Eternal has indeed granted me the petition I made. So, as I vowed, I will lend him back to the Eternal. For as long as he lives, let him serve our Eternal One.” -1 Samuel 1:27 

If I take this scripture literally, it is exactly what had happened to Elijah. I prayed for him and he is now beside God, serving Him by helping me to help others.

Another reason why Hannah's story deeply resonates with me (even though I do prefer Elizabeth's story) is because a man named Eli speaks to her, although he thought that she was drunk. She explained to him her prayers of pregnancy and pain of her years as a barren woman. She had always wanted a son, but became hopeless. She had faith in God and vowed that if he would help her become pregnant, that she would give him up to serve the Lord. She later conceived a son named Samuel who she gave away to be raised by priests.

After Samuel, she "had three sons and two daughters and visited Samuel every year with a linen garment marking her son's priestly status."

Perhaps, there was a need for me to sacrifice my son for this same purpose. Perhaps, it is time that I vow to God my gift in return...

I had longed to become a mother, however, there are times that I wondered if this longing was selfish. I questioned myself many times if I had wanted to become pregnant out of a personal desire rather than for a Godly reason. Yet, if motherhood was not for me, then why did I have this desire? Why did I yearn so much? Of course, I knew that I would make a great mother, I had faith in myself! But was my desire going to fulfill a higher purpose? Was my desire perfectly aligned with God?

To read a blog about women in the Bible who struggled with infertility, click here.

As I read the blog post I wrote a year ago about my very first pregnancy test, it reminded me of how exciting, how much of a miracle my pregnancy truly was. For the past two years, I had painfully hoped that I would find out I was pregnant again, just like the years before Elijah. It would have been wonderful to relive that very same day all over again.

Instead, every year on this day will be a day that I thank God for a little miracle.

"Sometimes, you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory." - Dr. Seuss 

 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

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