Dear Santa, I'd Understand If You Can't Put A Rainbow Under The Tree

December 23, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone


H.O.P.E. - Hold On, Pain Ends.
My sister texted me, "What do you want for Christmas?" I hesitated for a moment. I felt exhausted just thinking about it. I held back my reply, but wanted to say something like, "I want my baby back. And if not Elijah, I want a rainbow baby."

I thought to myself, "She already knows that!"

But nothing could ever replace the one and only gift that I have waited and wanted for so long. 

No amount of money or materialistic thing could top Elijah or a rainbow baby - absolutely nothing at all. I wished and asked for a baby on my twenty-fourth birthday, last Christmas, every day after last Christmas, my twenty-fifth birthday, and now I'm not so sure if I would like to ask for it again. I have already spent years before Elijah wishing for it. I don't want to cry about it or worry about it or be disappointed because of it anymore.

Yet, the heart wants what it wants and there is no denying it. 

I texted my sister back with, "That's a terrible question, but thanks for asking. Don't really want anything." Because what I wanted most, she wouldn't be able to give or buy it anyway. She probably understood; I didn't mean to sound depressing or ruin her generosity.

She texted back, "Well, what do you like and is interested in so that if by any chance and coincidentally buy you a gift that involved your interest that you would accept around the day of giving..."

The funny thing is, she already knows the things I like. And a gift isn't really a gift if I am having to ask for it. Right? Right??...  Maybe she just wanted to get me something that would make me happy, even if I couldn't get exactly what I wanted.

So, I thought about it and still, a baby just couldn't get out of my mind. I started to cry. I ended up telling her that I wanted to get an angel for Elijah, but couldn't find the right one or never had the opportunity. Funny how if she couldn't get me a baby, she could just get something for Elijah and that would make me "happy."

Even if he would never get to use it, play with it, or see it, or unwrap it himself, it is still a nice thought that someone other than myself or his daddy is thinking of him.

I had hoped that someone would remember to include Elijah this Christmas. I wonder if anyone did or ever will.

Deep down, I feel that Christmas isn't for me - it's for Elijah.

All I could think about is how emotional I get when I think of Christmas without him. Ha, funny how I'm "thinking" about "feeling." But really though, that's why I can't do Christmas eve with the in-laws. I don't want to show up and pretend to be "okay" when I'm really not. I don't want the hug or a pity party either.

I just want my baby. I just want a rainbow.

Every time we see a rainbow or two - or two pink lines - we will always look at it in amazement, at how magnificent the sight of it truly is. We wonder, how did it get here? Does it have an ending? Will it stay?

Where does it go after it disappears?

That's how I feel about rainbow babies and two pink lines; it's all alluring, breathtaking, but could also be an illusion. My biggest fear is that if there is a rainbow - now or someday - that it could be taken back and disappear like it never existed, like what happened to Elijah. Maybe not in the same way as Elijah, but in whatever way, I'm not sure I could "re-live" my life all over again.

Besides that fear, there is the possibility that not all storms end with rainbows. Or that I just might not ever see two lines again. I'm not sure if I could accept that just yet.

But, I do understand and can accept that rainbows don't belong under a tree, rainbows belong in our hearts, no matter how much we ache to witness its glory with our eyes and our empty arms.

~

So, Dear Santa,

I'd understand if you can't put a rainbow under the tree. Instead, I'd like the little box of hope that I lost 23 days ago, even though with it comes a little pain and the possibility that I will have to make some more of it again.

Sanda.

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 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

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