By Sanda Rathamone
It hurts because it (infertility) matters.
Just yesterday, I posted an update about my resignation of the hope for a rainbow. I am leaving the baby making worries to God. Within just one night, the blog post reached 195 views!I checked my email and thought, "Oh, how wonderful! Someone sent me a message!" I have always appreciated the loving and supportive messages that I have received throughout my first year of blogging. It helps lift me higher!
However, I opened up a message that I would have never expected to receive.
After reading this message from someone who obviously wanted to spread some more holiday grief, I was really worked up. The only power I have is my words and so here it is. This is my first ever message from and to someone who has completely dismissed the pain and struggle of infertility and stillbirth.
At first, I took this as an attack. After writing my reply, I realized that this woman is just someone who misunderstands and misjudges an experience that so many others are going through - not just myself. I do not see this as personal, but also world-wide. There are so many women and mothers mourning both infertility and pregnancy or child loss and for someone to peep in and say this is utterly foolish and ignorant.
She even commented on one of my other posts, telling me "just adopt darling" and "don't be selfish."
I prayed to God and my angels about this - I didn't want to harbor any hate or let negativity pester me more than it needs to. Grief is enough. And honestly, after listening to Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier and No Woman No Cry, a weight lifted off of me. I can go to sleep in peace and in no way I am going to cry about this woman's message - I will save my tears for my son.
Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
I want the world to know that no matter what others may think, no matter what others may say, that openly expressing grief is one of the most powerful and courageous things anyone who has lost a loved one could ever do. And that no one has the right to assume a solution to another's pain without first considering ultimate compassion.
For those of you who are also attacked by grief bullies, I hope that you know how powerful you are and how powerless words of intended discouragement could never compare to the strength you do have.
Below, I have written a public reply to reveal just one of the heartless comments that grieving mothers have to face and that grief bullying is real in the loss community. I have also sent this reply on email.
"Fabiana,
I really hope that some
day, you understand how heartless your comment is. While I know
that there are many children out there waiting to be adopted and
deserve to be, adoption will not console the grief I have of wanting
to conceive and birth my own. Adoption isn’t an option for just
everyone and not everyone can accept the possibility of adoption.
Why? It is because the heart, body, and soul wants to experience the physical, spiritual, and emotional birthing and carrying of a child that the experience of adoption
cannot give. Pregnancy is a unique and irreplaceable bond - and so it is with each one. It is the instinct to bear and birth children for many and
for others, it becomes a tragedy when that instinct is taken away or doubted.
Maybe I am selfish for wanting my own child, but who are you to say
that I am? I have sacrificed so much after losing my son. I have
sacrificed sleep and tears and sweat and blood.
The “complaints”
you claim are not complaints. This is my reality, this is my
experience, this is my love and grief after loss and struggling with
YEARS of infertility.
I fully believe in my dreams and hope that
someday, you believe in yours, instead of wasting your time trying to
discourage others. If you do not like my blog, you didn’t have to
read it. Who told you to? Why bother?
I hope that God helps you find
humility and that you love yourself enough to be kind to others, not for me, but for yourself - not that I need your kindness. I have appreciated and is grateful for the kindness from many others and that to ask for your kindness is
“selfish.”
I will pray to my “no such thing as a spirit baby”
that he blesses you with the lesson of compassion because I really
don’t have energy to stoop down to your level of inconsideration
and ignorance about grief and infertility. May you find yourself some comfort in knowing that you have much to learn on how to approach
mothers who struggle with motherhood.
Signed,
Sanda, Elijah’s Mommy.
Mother
of a Spirit Baby."
> On Dec 10, 2017, at 4:45 PM,
Blogger Contact
Form <no-reply@blogger.com>
wrote: > >
"OMG how can you be
so selfish!! Wanting a baby that came from your body instead of
giving the chance to have a family to a little, helpless boy or girl.
Just adopt a girl already, i'm sure she's waiting in an orphanage
form someone to love her, if you believe this crap of dreams telling
you something then start doing something, adopt!! > You're not
going to be magically pregnant, there is no such thing as "spirit
babies" just grow up already and stop whining and crying,
pregnancy it's not for everybody
> > Regards, > Fabiana
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- Dreaming About My Future Daughter Part 2
- Spiritual Reasons For Infertility And Spirit Babies
- Why It Is Important To Talk About Pregnancy And Infant Loss
- Words of Love: Thank You For Supporting My Blog!
Have you ever thought about writing an ebook or guest authoring on other websites?
ReplyDeleteI have a blog based upon on the same ideas you discuss
and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would value your
work. If you're even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an e mail.
Yes, I have actually thought about writing a book! I have looked into it a couple times, but when thinking about what to write, I get lost. I do know that I would love to write about Pregnancy Loss and the spiritual experiences that have been born from it and shaped my life, yet again, I might have written so much already about it on my blog. I guess I’m just waiting for the right time? I am really happy to hear about your offer, but you haven’t listed your email or your blog!! Please email me at littlehearttinywings@gmail.com and I would gladly like to talk more. Thanks!
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