Dear Grief Bully, No, Adoption Is Not For Everyone

By Sanda Rathamone

It hurts because it (infertility) matters.

Just yesterday, I posted an update about my resignation of the hope for a rainbow. I am leaving the baby making worries to God. Within just one night, the blog post reached 195 views!

I checked my email and thought, "Oh, how wonderful! Someone sent me a message!" I have always appreciated the loving and supportive messages that I have received throughout my first year of blogging. It helps lift me higher!

However, I opened up a message that I would have never expected to receive. 

After reading this message from someone who obviously wanted to spread some more holiday grief, I was really worked up. The only power I have is my words and so here it is. This is my first ever message from and to someone who has completely dismissed the pain and struggle of infertility and stillbirth.

At first, I took this as an attack. After writing my reply, I realized that this woman is just someone who misunderstands and misjudges an experience that so many others are going through - not just myself. I do not see this as personal, but also world-wide. There are so many women and mothers mourning both infertility and pregnancy or child loss and for someone to peep in and say this is utterly foolish and ignorant.

She even commented on one of my other posts, telling me "just adopt darling"  and "don't be selfish."

I prayed to God and my angels about this - I didn't want to harbor any hate or let negativity pester me more than it needs to. Grief is enough. And honestly, after listening to Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier and No Woman No Cry, a weight lifted off of me. I can go to sleep in peace and in no way I am going to cry about this woman's message - I will save my tears for my son.

Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I want the world to know that no matter what others may think, no matter what others may say, that openly expressing grief is one of the most powerful and courageous things anyone who has lost a loved one could ever do. And that no one has the right to assume a solution to another's pain without first considering ultimate compassion.

For those of you who are also attacked by grief bullies, I hope that you know how powerful you are and how powerless words of intended discouragement could never compare to the strength you do have.

Below, I have written a public reply to reveal just one of the heartless comments that grieving mothers have to face and that grief bullying is real in the loss community. I have also sent this reply on email. 

"Fabiana, 

I really hope that some day, you understand how heartless your comment is. While I know that there are many children out there waiting to be adopted and deserve to be, adoption will not console the grief I have of wanting to conceive and birth my own. Adoption isn’t an option for just everyone and not everyone can accept the possibility of adoption. 

Why? It is because the heart, body, and soul wants to experience the physical, spiritual, and emotional birthing and carrying of a child that the experience of adoption cannot give. Pregnancy is a unique and irreplaceable bond - and so it is with each one. It is the instinct to bear and birth children for many and for others, it becomes a tragedy when that instinct is taken away or doubted. 

Maybe I am selfish for wanting my own child, but who are you to say that I am? I have sacrificed so much after losing my son. I have sacrificed sleep and tears and sweat and blood. 

The “complaints” you claim are not complaints. This is my reality, this is my experience, this is my love and grief after loss and struggling with YEARS of infertility. 

I fully believe in my dreams and hope that someday, you believe in yours, instead of wasting your time trying to discourage others. If you do not like my blog, you didn’t have to read it. Who told you to? Why bother? 

I hope that God helps you find humility and that you love yourself enough to be kind to others, not for me, but for yourself - not that I need your kindness. I have appreciated and is grateful for the kindness from many others and that to ask for your kindness is “selfish.” 

I will pray to my “no such thing as a spirit baby” that he blesses you with the lesson of compassion because I really don’t have energy to stoop down to your level of inconsideration and ignorance about grief and infertility. May you find yourself some comfort in knowing that you have much to learn on how to approach mothers who struggle with motherhood.

Signed, 

Sanda, Elijah’s Mommy. 

Mother of a Spirit Baby."

> On Dec 10, 2017, at 4:45 PM, 

Blogger Contact Form <no-reply@blogger.com>

wrote: > > 

"OMG how can you be so selfish!! Wanting a baby that came from your body instead of giving the chance to have a family to a little, helpless boy or girl. Just adopt a girl already, i'm sure she's waiting in an orphanage form someone to love her, if you believe this crap of dreams telling you something then start doing something, adopt!! > You're not going to be magically pregnant, there is no such thing as "spirit babies" just grow up already and stop whining and crying, pregnancy it's not for everybody

> > Regards, > Fabiana

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• Giving Up - The Hope, The Holidays, The Rainbow
• Closing The Book of Eli (And Dreaming About My Future Daughter?)
• Dreaming About My Future Daughter Part 2
• Spiritual Reasons For Infertility And Spirit Babies
• Why It Is Important To Talk About Pregnancy And Infant Loss
• Words of Love: Thank You For Supporting My Blog!

 * Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery