Dreaming About My Future Daughter Part 2

November 8, 2017


By Sanda Rathamone



Some days, I cry for Elijah. Other days, I rejoice in the thought of you.
Lately, I have been seeing and hearing the names Elizabeth and Sarah. I seem be to attracted to or purchase books whose author has the name Elizabeth or see this name in random places such as someone’s name on social media.

Sure, these names are probably very common, but for someone who does not know many Elizabeths or Sarahs or even come across these names often, well, I know that my encounters are actually not random at all. 

I have even done some research on the name ‘Elizabeth’ and figured that it had something to do with the Bible. (I have also been interested in reading the Bible lately and is not religious or of any faith.) In the Bible, Elizabeth was an elderly woman who was married to a man, Zachariah, and both could not have children. 

One day, Zachariah goes to the church and prays for a child. He lights incense and suddenly encounters an angel, Gabriel, who tells him that his wife will bear a son. The couple’s miraculous pregnancy at old age is the birth of John the Baptist. 

Surprisingly, the night I read about Elizabeth was on the 5th of November, which is also Saint Elizabeth's Feast Day. "She is the patron saint of expectant mothers/pregnant women and of the Diocese of Fulda, Germany."

However, this is not about bible study, nor will I go into further details of the Bible than necessary. Elizabeth's story is a bit similar to my own experience with infertility and of how my husband and I miraculously got pregnant (with Elijah after a few years struggle), yet, the biggest difference was that we are a much younger couple and our son died before he ever got to live.

After Elijah passed, I contemplated here and there of names for our next baby - that is if we ever get the chance of pregnancy again. I would love to keep Elijah’s name within our family because he means so much to me. 

A boy would have ‘Elijah’ as a middle name and a girl would have ‘Eliza’ somewhere in her name in honor of their elder brother in heaven. 

Yet, my husband loves the name ‘Sarah.’

Me? Not so much.

I did and somewhat still do love the name Serephina - it sounds like a princess or a magical fairy - but I would definitely need time to think about Sarah. 

It also took me awhile to adjust to the idea in having a girl. Losing Elijah made me want another boy so badly that I just couldn’t imagine myself with a girl after him. 

Anyway, it wasn’t too long ago that my husband came out saying that he liked the name ‘Sarah’ and after he said that name was when I started hearing and seeing this name in a similar way that ‘Elizabeth’ appears to me. It was definitely unexpected to hear the name Sarah pop up yesterday when my health professor was reading about some statistics from an article. 

The story of Sarah in the Bible also talks about her struggle with infertility as well. 

Just earlier this morning I had a dream of who I believe may be our next child with the name Elizabeth or Sarah and wonder if she was that same baby girl I saw in a dream weeks ago. 

I was at a lake and there were trees full with green leaves. The sun shone through some of the gaps and there was a small breeze. I remember seeing a glimpse of the lake and the sun making it look sparkly. 

In front of me appeared this small group of people. I remember particularly seeing this older, skinny man with a beard among two other young teen boys of about 18 or younger. They looked homeless and had this baby girl with them, along with a very old fashioned carriage, the kind that back in the days people would carry by horses to travel. It was like they were looking for a new home - or any home. 

Somehow, I was holding this baby girl in my arms, swaying her back and forth, like I was rocking her to sleep. She was wrapped in a pink blanket and wore pink clothes. As I rocked her, she would wake and open her eyes when the sun reached her face. Although, I couldn't fully see her face because the sun blocked me from getting a real good look. I wanted to keep her and she seemed so calm and comfortable in my arms. 

The old man and the young men looked as if they were waiting for me to hand her back, but then slowly made their way back to traveling. Like they were sadly saying goodbye to the baby girl. She now had someone to mother her. I remember feeling a distinct sadness by holding onto the baby (because I was sad to see that these men looked sad), but that I had also and somehow ‘adopted’ her. 

This baby came from a group that I believe were orphans. 

When comparing this dream to the past dream about a baby girl, both dreams gave me this feeling that these babies were once someone else’s. Like they were from a mother who could not care for them, but somehow these babies were attracted to me and I to them. 

Who knows if the next one is a girl or whether her name will be Elizabeth or Sarah? I have also considered adoption as my very, very, very last option (when we are much older of course), but would rather carry to term my very own. There’s just something about pregnancy that I know is a part of my journey, not just infertility and stillbirth. 

Maybe in the future, we will adopt, or maybe in essence, the next baby will be a spirit who was someone else’s before and is reaching out to me to be her or his mother.

Perhaps Saint Elizabeth is one of my spirit guides during this time in my life, just I have felt a spontaneous connection to Mother Mary after loss. I learned that Mother Mary often reaches out to women who are mourning.

(The books I mentioned earlier were Stories of The Unborn Soul by Elisabeth Hallett, Cosmic Cradle by Elizabeth M. Carman and Neil J. Carman, and They Were Still Born Edited by Janel C. Atlas forwarded by Elizabeth McCracken.)

You can find more books on stillbirth on my resources page, here.


YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: 
 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

1 comment

  1. Just adopt darling, there is a little girl waiting to be part of your family, don't de y her that oportunity, don't be selfish,

    ReplyDelete

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