Closing The Book of Eli (And Dreaming About My Future Daughter?)

October 26, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone


"The end is just the beginning."

With just days nearing Elijah's Due Date, the anxiety is catching up to me.

A Day before Halloween should be the day that Elijah was supposed to be born. He would be one. He would be mommy's big boy, taking his first wobbly steps. Instead, there will never be any steps or any walking or Elijah at all this coming up Monday.

Instead, his first birthday was this past June - which feels so long ago - and there won't be any cake on his Due Date. Although, there will be moments of memories flooding through my mind and perhaps some tears here and there. Because I am so sure that I will be disappointed in that he should have been born a year ago - around this time of the month.

He should also be among the other little toddlers on Halloween, trick-or-treating in a mini costume.

I really don't want to bring up everything, even though I can remember it all from the moment of finding out that I was pregnant to the moment I felt his tiny body slip out of me. It is because I don't want to relive the terrorizing memories in the hospital all over again. Because repeating his story is like running in circles.

I really just want to close the book.

It's funny though, I have never seen the movie The Book of Eli nor researched about it's relevance to the Prophet Elijah. And I'm pretty sure that Denzel Washington has made the movie worth watching. Maybe the movie will give me some kind of confirmation or closure or help me understand why of all names did I even choose Elijah.

Perhaps, I wasn't the one who choose it anyway - it was him who did. I truly believe that somehow, Elijah choose his own name because it was unlikely that I would have chosen a biblical name if I was not pregnant with him. He would have been 'Kaiden' or my husband's fond in 'Sebastian.' To be honest, Sebastian always reminds me of Ariel's crab from The Little Mermaid and it makes me laugh and I seriously could not take the name seriously... until now.

But, what I do know is that even with disappointment and grief, I have this inner calling telling me to finally say goodbye.

Another funny thing is that my husband and I have said our goodbyes on the day that we placed a strand of my hair in his tiny hands before we gave up his body to the mortician and the five days that we spent traveling, searching for the five perfect places to release his ashes. It's like we could never really say goodbye; we never even got to say 'hello.'

Yet, I have had this feeling for a little while now and I'm not sure where it's coming from or exactly why I'm feeling it. I guess I have never actually "let him go" and couldn't. But somehow, I know that it is time to close the book about Elijah. Though this doesn't mean that I am going to tuck it in and hide it from the world. Rather, I am now putting Elijah's book on a shelf and hope that some day, someone else will want to read about him and take great loving care of his book, because he taught me so many wonderful things.

He taught me more about resilience, faith, trust, forgiveness, acceptance, and motherhood than anyone else ever could. Most of all, he taught me how to love and let go. I have to admit that I am not a professional at loving others or 'letting go,' but if it wasn't for Elijah, would I have truly understood these very basic, but difficult human aspects, especially after death?

Maybe I am too much of a 'life-long learner' for you, but I also have to admit that there were many good things that came out of losing Elijah - one of them being I am much more beautiful, more stronger, more wiser, in the world because of my pain. Though, do not be fooled if you think that I am saying this out of vanity and rather it is more so out of my vulnerability and strength that I didn't know I had and have had to draw upon everything and nothing I had.

When you're a loss mom, you endure one of the most terrible things in life and that makes you one of the most strongest souls out there. 

On the other hand, saying goodbye requires an even stronger soul and that is exactly what I have been working on the past year up until this very moment.

A couple weeks ago, I had this dream - it was unlike any other dream I have had about babies (I have had plenty of baby dreams before I was pregnant and after loss).

And like most of these baby dreams, they're always so strange, but a telling of something.

My husband and I have a king-sized bed and in this dream showed me on our bed, but in another bedroom. I couldn't recognize the bedroom, but for sure knew that it was our very same bed because it had the same sheets and blankets. 

On our bed lay so many babies - at least two dozen of them. The strange part is, these babies were... dead. They were all wrapped in a bundle, a receiving blanket and each wore a baby hat - the ones given from the hospital. I felt in this dream that all of these babies belonged to a mother who had lost them and I was somehow connected to them. I wanted to show the world how important these babies were.

And even Elijah was there in his bundle. He looked exactly as he did the day that he passed. I held Elijah for a moment, but felt that my time with him was over. So, I lovingly and gently put him aside. 

I saw that there was this girl who did not look like the other babies and appeared just after I put down Elijah. For some reason, I was so attracted to her, as if she was calling out to me. Moreover, she didn't even look like a baby, she looked a bit like a doll with clothes on. Her eyes looked lively and had curly hair. All I wanted to do was hold her and take a photo of her. It was like she was "the one" that I wanted to take with me and show my husband. 

Another strange thing was that I felt that she had also belonged to someone before, but she was attracted to me. There was this mutual feeling or some kind of connection between the both of us. A part of me felt guilty and confused because I wasn't sure I was to take or leave her. 

After that dream, I have had this strong need to say my final goodbyes to Elijah. And that maybe the next one will be a girl...

Only time will tell.

'Happy Due Date,' Elijah. Mommy loves you.

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 
~

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 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

2 comments

  1. I love you both,and I will love our future baby just the same, if we will be blessed with another.

    ReplyDelete

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