When The Bad Outweighs The Good, I Want You To Remember...

September 19, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

No mud, no lotus. No fire, no bird.
After losing my son to Stillbirth, my first thought was, "why me?" Out of everyone why did it have to be me, moreover, I never thought that it would ever be me.

Everything was going so well, I thought we were lucky, even though it took us years to get pregnant. It was not until that day I was unexpectedly laying flat out on a hospital bed with an IV painfully attached to my arm for the first time, in the emergency room at just five months pregnant and unknowingly a few days later I would be pushing out a dead baby.

For awhile, I felt that I was being punished for something, but never understood what that something was. If I have wronged someone, it was never without reason and if I have made any mistakes, I have definitely learned my lessons and a lot from my past. However, I sought out many possible reasons of why I had deserved this. Was this karma and if so, what was it and for what? It all came down to, "maybe" this and "maybe" that.

Maybe I just didn't deserve my son... Yet, no matter how many maybes I could list, it was causing this deeper hole inside of me that nothing could ever fill. There was nothing, but unanswered questions. 

I began to see how much I was hurting myself and later accepted that well, I didn't do anything wrong - things just happen. Relatively good and decent people, like all people, go through obstacles, losses, and tragedies. Maybe some didn't deserve to be cheated on, or robbed, or abused, or deprived of rights, or lose their homes through some unfortunate natural disaster, or even like myself - unexpectedly lose a child. Yet, this is life, this is what happens to so many people and I am really not alone in this.

However, it was not just death that hit me, death was just the first wave of many terrible things. After losing my son, it seemed as if more "bad" things appeared out of nowhere. It was like that story, A Series of Unfortunate Events. Bad thing after bad thing happened and it made me feel like the Universe was picking on me, testing my patience, testing what I have either learned or thought I learned, trying to rile me up and see if I could come back up and face my fears or do things out of my ordinary and change myself. Or, to see if I would stay beneath the surface and curl up into my ball of sadness and cry myself to sleep for an eternity.

I felt like I was being challenged by some unknown, unseen power that I couldn't control or understand.

I will not go into the details of these series of unfortunate events, but I will say that one of them was the unexpected pregnancy announcement from my husband's family, just two months after my stillbirth. This one, however, took me some time to accept and caused me so much pain, feeling like I didn't deserve my baby and someone else did.

Yet, the point of my story isn't about wallowing in self-pity, torturing myself with endless questions of whys and hows and what the f's.

What I want you to remember is that when we experience so many trials and tribulations, struggles and suffering, we may become blinded. We may start counting all of the "bad" things in our lives, sometimes going all the way back to childhood, and relive all of these painful memories. We start to gather every little "bad" and hurtful thing and put it into a bowl for ourselves to eat and expect more bad things to happen because we believe that it is less likely that something "good" will happen or come out of it. We then claim that there is no light at the end of the tunnel or that life is just some unlucky experience and there's no meaning to any of this pain we feel or purpose in everything we've had to endure or in life itself.

We blame the world for not being any nicer (sometimes, the world isn't so pleasant), we shame our friends and families for not helping us (sometimes, they can't or won't), and we blame ourselves for making mistakes (sometimes, we fail to recognize the lesson). Well, now do you see why there is no room for miracles and "good" things to exist with all of this... mess?? All because we perceive bad as bad and good as good? Or, bad as terrible and good as a blessing. It took me a long time, again, to realize that there are blessings in the darkest times in my life and that with time, others will see this, too - that is if they're willing to.

I, for one, am usually a black or white kind of person. This or that. In or out. Love or hate. But, if it's one thing that I have learned about life and death, it is that both exist as a balance and that in between life and death is what we do with the time we have in this world, before we move onto another. The colorful area is what you do, your attitude, your beliefs and values, which then become your reality.

Life is a journey and death is rebirth, a new journey.

Yet, if you take out this spectrum, this categorizing of experiences, you will see and understand much more.

If you look at the yin and yang symbol, there are two equal sides (black and white). And in each side, there is a little circle of the opposite color. Yin and yang are about feminine and masculine energies and expresses that a small part of the opposite energy resides within the energy itself. These intertwining of energies creates a whole, a circle, a complete picture.

Not all "good" things are good for you and not all "bad" things are bad for you. 

I remember someone posting a comment about a man who used a "black dot" to describe the negative aspect of grief or any opposing experience in our lives. At first, I didn't like this analogy, but then I realized that he was trying to encourage the perspective of the bigger picture. You see, when we get so tied into the details of our lives, we get so focused on one or a few things, that we forget that it is part of this huge canvas.

We narrow in and analyze this one or few things, that we lose sight of it's profound purpose - it's purpose in the collective, the whole.

Maybe you're not there yet, but I want you to know that if you would just expand your definitions and perceptions about good and bad, light and dark, life and death, you would see that all of these experiences are just a part of who and what we are and able to experience. Yet, your past and your mistakes do not define you - what you do now, does.

What you do now, matters.

Appreciate every struggle, learn from each experience, and remember that nothing is ever really good or bad, it just is and it is part of being human. We won't live on earth forever, but we can love forever. And we cannot grow without our experiences, we cannot grow without first realizing that everything and everyone is connected.

You don't need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to see the whole, because the light is already here.

 Read the full story about Elijah:
Elijah's Story: From Gender Reveal To A Spontaneous Delivery

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