Letters To Elijah: Entry 5

September 17, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

You are my every birthday, dandelion, eyelash, wishbone, and wish upon a star. You are who I think of when I look up at the sun, the moon, and the sky.

"Dear Elijah, 

This is the third and hopefully, the last time that I rewrite this letter. I have no idea why I am having such a difficult time writing this one. Usually, I always find the right things to say or have something really wonderful to share. 

This time, it feels different and a bit of a struggle - why? 

The past couple of weeks have been really busy for me, since I am now back in school again and doing the best I can with that we have. Yet, despite all of these financial pressures, I felt happy, content. Grief wasn't the problem anymore and I am now okay to be around your baby cousin, Jazmine. And I know that she can somehow see you because she always gives me this strange look... 

I caught myself in the bathtub the another night, crying, saying that "all I want is you." Whatever I do to feel better, the one person I ache for is you. I thought that healing meant that I could lessen this achy pain, but honestly, learned that healing doesn't mean that this pain goes away. I learned that healing is accepting that pain comes and goes, yet, thinking of you brings me so much joy. 

You are not just my sorrows, you are my joys, and joy cannot survive without sorrow and sorrow without joy. 

I noticed that I now do not look at your photos as much as I used to. And when I do find the courage to look upon your face, again, I still smile at the sight of your teensy-tiny nose. I know that you would have been so cute and cuddly, like your cousin Jazmine. She is now 7-months-old and you would have now been 11-and-a-half months old. Time sure goes by so fast, because if you were here, you would have almost been 1-years-old! Imagine that! 

We entered September so quickly and in just another couple of weeks, it will be October - the month that you were due. I still wonder if you were going to be a Halloween baby or November baby instead. I also wonder what would your costume be for Halloween and hoped that your daddy and I could finally have a baby to take out to trick-or-treating...

However, fall is near and my favorite season and before we know it, your daddy and I will be celebrating our birthdays, without you... Our birthdays are just a couple months away and I am not sure I would even like to celebrate mine this year. Last year was difficult without you... Because all I really want is you. Maybe it's selfish to think this way, but I know that my life would be so much more happier with you. The way I see everyone sparkle in delight around Jazmine, that is what I want for us and for you. I just want everyone to love you the way we love her. 

And yes, I am beginning to grow feelings and comfort around Jazmine. Perhaps, she is this blessing in disguise that I just couldn't see before. I often wonder if the two of you have met in the spirit realm and talked to each other about your plans for me... like that dream I had long ago. I remember seeing you both communicating, interacting. Maybe, she is here to bring me a message from you. 

Your daddy and I watch this family on YouTube every Saturday. This father, Luke, and his two young sons go fishing a lot. My guess is that your daddy aspires to be like him someday, having a wife who has a fulfilling career, while he gets to stay at home with his boys and goes fishing. And all the while, he makes an income through vlogging! He gets to travel with his family and returns to Alaska for more fishing and family bonding - and that's the life I would like to have. There is nothing like traveling and having a family to do it with and that's all I truly want for you and our family. 

I want us to go fishing as a family. 

But, mommy and daddy is working very hard to bring all of this to reality. My real dream is very simple, all I want is a happy home and family life - all I want is you. Nothing else really matters. 

Mommy loves you so much, Elijah. And I know that you know that, because I tell you every day and I will always keep loving you.

P.S. I hope to see you in a dream once again."

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 

1 comment

  1. Lovely, babe. Luke works. He works when he wants to. Lol


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