No mud, no lotus. No fire, no bird.

For awhile, I felt that I was being punished for something, but never understood what that something was. If I have wronged someone, it was never without reason and if I have made any mistakes, I have definitely learned my lessons and a lot from my past. However, I sought out many possible reasons of why I had deserved this. Was this karma and if so, what was it and for what? It all came down to, "maybe" this and "maybe" that.

Maybe I just didn't deserve my son... Yet, no matter how many maybes I could list, it was causing this deeper hole inside of me that nothing could ever fill. There was nothing, but unanswered questions. 

I began to see how much I was hurting myself and later accepted that well, I didn't do anything wrong - things just happen. Relatively good and decent people, like all people, go through obstacles, losses, and tragedies. Maybe some didn't deserve to be cheated on, or robbed, or abused, or deprived of rights, or lose their homes through some unfortunate natural disaster, or even like myself - unexpectedly lose a child. Yet, this is life, this is what happens to so many people and I am really not alone in this.

However, it was not just death that hit me, death was just the first wave of many terrible things. After losing my son, it seemed as if more "bad" things appeared out of nowhere. It was like that story, A Series of Unfortunate Events. Bad thing after bad thing happened and it made me feel like the Universe was picking on me, testing my patience, testing what I have either learned or thought I learned, trying to rile me up and see if I could come back up and face my fears or do things out of my ordinary and change myself. Or, to see if I would stay beneath the surface and curl up into my ball of sadness and cry myself to sleep for an eternity.

I felt like I was being challenged by some unknown, unseen power that I couldn't control or understand.

I will not go into the details of these series of unfortunate events, but I will say that one of them was the unexpected pregnancy announcement from my husband's family, just two months after my stillbirth. This one, however, took me some time to accept and caused me so much pain, feeling like I didn't deserve my baby and someone else did.

Yet, the point of my story isn't about wallowing in self-pity, torturing myself with endless questions of whys and hows and what the f's.

What I want you to remember is that when we experience so many trials and tribulations, struggles and suffering, we may become blinded. We may start counting all of the "bad" things in our lives, sometimes going all the way back to childhood, and relive all of these painful memories. We start to gather every little "bad" and hurtful thing and put it into a bowl for ourselves to eat and expect more bad things to happen because we believe that it is less likely that something "good" will happen or come out of it. We then claim that there is no light at the end of the tunnel or that life is just some unlucky experience and there's no meaning to any of this pain we feel or purpose in everything we've had to endure or in life itself.

We blame the world for not being any nicer (sometimes, the world isn't so pleasant), we shame our friends and families for not helping us (sometimes, they can't or won't), and we blame ourselves for making mistakes (sometimes, we fail to recognize the lesson). Well, now do you see why there is no room for miracles and "good" things to exist with all of this... mess?? All because we perceive bad as bad and good as good? Or, bad as terrible and good as a blessing. It took me a long time, again, to realize that there are blessings in the darkest times in my life and that with time, others will see this, too - that is if they're willing to.

I, for one, am usually a black or white kind of person. This or that. In or out. Love or hate. But, if it's one thing that I have learned about life and death, it is that both exist as a balance and that in between life and death is what we do with the time we have in this world, before we move onto another. The colorful area is what you do, your attitude, your beliefs and values, which then become your reality.

Life is a journey and death is rebirth, a new journey.

Yet, if you take out this spectrum, this categorizing of experiences, you will see and understand much more.

If you look at the yin and yang symbol, there are two equal sides (black and white). And in each side, there is a little circle of the opposite color. Yin and yang are about feminine and masculine energies and expresses that a small part of the opposite energy resides within the energy itself. These intertwining of energies creates a whole, a circle, a complete picture.

Not all "good" things are good for you and not all "bad" things are bad for you. 




I remember someone posting a comment about a man who used a "black dot" to describe the negative aspect of grief or any opposing experience in our lives. At first, I didn't like this analogy, but then I realized that he was trying to encourage the perspective of the bigger picture. You see, when we get so tied into the details of our lives, we get so focused on one or a few things, that we forget that it is part of this huge canvas.

We narrow in and analyze this one or few things, that we lose sight of it's profound purpose - it's purpose in the collective, the whole.



Maybe you're not there yet, but I want you to know that if you would just expand your definitions and perceptions about good and bad, light and dark, life and death, you would see that all of these experiences are just a part of who and what we are and able to experience. Yet, your past and your mistakes do not define you - what you do now, does.

What you do now, matters.

Appreciate every struggle, learn from each experience, and remember that nothing is ever really good or bad, it just is and it is part of being human. We won't live on earth forever, but we can love forever. And we cannot grow without our experiences, we cannot grow without first realizing that everything and everyone is connected.

You don't need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you just need to see the whole, because the light is already here.

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Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 

Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 

6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 

Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.
~

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The womb is a sacred place of passion, creation, creativity, love, feminine power, and life.

Affirmations are statements to affirm something we may desire or help remind us of our values and beliefs. They can also turn into mantras by repeating our statements; repetition can help aid concentration or "grounding," which is connecting or reconnecting to our energy source, to earth, to our roots and let go of any overwhelming stresses, worries and anxieties.

I used to enjoy creating and sharing personal affirmations. However, after stillbirth and heavy grief, I seemed to have lost my desire and inspiration. There are many on the web, yet, when you create your own affirmations, there is a sense of greater inner peace and self-empowerment. Personal affirmations are not only focused on positive aspects of life, but also our inner drive to find and use simple solutions. 

Sometimes, all we need is to stop overthinking, simplify our lives, and affirm what we want or need to let go of grief!  

I also have to say that it was just a couple of nights ago that I was taking a bath and felt the need to use an affirmation. (I know, what a odd place to be inspired.) Bath time is not just bath time for me, but a place of meditation. A bath infused with essential oils help so much! I also have to admit that in this bath, I was crying. After all of this healing work and feeling "better," for some reason I still felt the need to cry, I needed a release. I made a prayer and sent it to my son, but as I looked at my abdomen, I saw that I was unconsciously holding onto my womb. 

Perhaps, I have been so hard on my body, especially after having a stillbirth and struggling through grief. 

Many do not know that our bodies can harbor negative or toxic emotions or energies, which can then cause harm into bodies, going into overdrive or become exhausted and shutdown. Our bodies may not even be able to do certain things because stress can really take a toll onto our health. And it's very true that in some cases, women cannot become pregnant simply because of stress! Stress can negatively impact our hormones and our health, as well as fertility - in both men and women. 

Imagine that after an experience such as pregnancy loss, our negative emotions of anger, despair, worries, and even hopelessness and grief can really gather within certain areas in our bodies, especially in the womb, and create a deep wound within, which then creates anxieties in our daily lives and physical aches and pains. Imagine that our emotions are like food for our souls and bodies - would you then let yourself be so immersed and feed onto emotions that do not make you feel better? It is then that I have realized that what is in our minds can lead to serious problems in our bodies.

We create our own realities.

Below, I have written and shared a meditation exercise with affirmations to help myself and other women heal their wombs, to let go of negative energies or beliefs about their bodies, and to encourage fertility and healing after loss. This is also the same affirmation that I have used for myself, along with some editing: 

Place yourself in a quiet space, whether it be in a room, outdoors, or a favorite and relaxing place. You can also put on meditation music such as this one, here, and close your eyes. 

Take three deep breaths in and three deep breaths out. (You can also say these affirmations after a deep breath, creating a rhythm of declaration and release after each line.)

Put your hands above your heart. 

Then repeat after me: 

"I release any doubts and fears about pregnancy loss. 

I release any and all expectations that I may have. 

I release all of my sadness and my grief." 

Put your hands above your stomach. 
When you are ready, repeat after me: 

"I am healthy and I can heal my body.

I will feed, love, and nurture my body. 

I feel healed and at home in my body."

You can take another few deep breaths. 
Put your hands above your womb. 

"I can heal my womb after loss.

I believe that I can create a child within my womb.

I love my body and I love my womb." 

While keeping your hands on your womb, take another three deep breaths and stay quiet for about a minute or two. (This is the time to let out any tears or stored emotions and be still.)

Then repeat after me: 

"I deserve to create a child. 

I deserve to be a mother. 

I am a mother. 

And so it is."

You can also repeat this as a mantra for a few times during meditation or in any time of need. With each repetition, the affirmations can influence a strong sense of belief and clarity. Also, be open to creating your own and have fun with it!

Love, light, and blessings.
Sanda.  

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Reading the title of this post will probably have you feeling intrigued if not, confused. What does it even mean and how can I even use the word 'present' in grief? You must think that I am insane and have no idea what I am talking about, but I have never been so sure about myself than I am now about grief and loss.

You are still a Mother.

Dear Angel Mom Who Just Lost Her Baby, 

I will not say "welcome to the club," because a loss journey is no club, but rather a path to healing. I will say that you are a part of a new world that will open up many doors. Some of these doors may look or seem fearful, some of them will be wide open and hard to close, some of them will be doors you willingly enter yourself. 

Other doors will be closed for a time, until you are ready to open them. 

Whichever door or doors you are in or think of closing or entering is the perfect door for you at this very moment. Trust that what is behind this or that door is for you - and only you - to explore and discover what you are meant to. Trust that you are guided and protected along the way and remember that your baby resides within and surrounds you with a lightness. Some days, you may not feel this lightness, some days you will, but it will always be there to help you even if you have forgotten. 

This lightness is love and warmth from Heaven and from those who deeply care for you. 

You have the permission to cry, to be angry, to feel lost, to obsess and replay memories, and to share your baby with the world. You have the permission to express or not express how you really feel to protect yourself. You have every right to talk about your baby and you have all of the qualifications to be a mother to your baby. This permission is not granted from me or from God, but from you and only given by you.

You are powerful and you have the power to heal yourself. 

Do not rush or feel rushed. Do not push yourself for the sake of rushing. Rather, take your time, tune into your time, flow into your time. Trust in the process of the unfolding of your new life and the process of shedding your old self into your new self. 

There will be questions, there will be doubts, there might even be more loss of those you thought you could trust, but remember that where you are, others have been and others are. Others are seeking you, too. If you are seeking them, you will find them in the timing of your unfolding. 

Be gentle. Feel. And let go. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe through your tears and through your grief. 

You are always in the wings of Angels, you are always loved in Heaven. May you remember that you have always been and will always be a mother to your Angel. 

With love,

"Dreams are the Angel's classroom and we are their students." - Julie-Anne Michael

• Kissed By An Angel
• Mother In Another Dimension
• Hopeful-lessness Dreams
• The Dream That Foretold My Stillbirth
• It Is A Dream To Hear Your Voice
• Day 18: Pregnancy Dreams
• Dreaming of a Family, Visitations, and a Spirit Birthing

"It takes a strong woman to be a mother, but it takes an even stronger woman to be a grieving mother."

Surprisingly, I am coming to realize more and more that losing a child to stillbirth is one of the most unique, undervalued, and less talked about experiences - not everyone acknowledges it nor does everyone know how to address it. What words can you say about a child you have "never met?" What can you offer in memory of a child that "never lived." I honestly have to admit that those words "never met" and "never lived" are very insensitive, they hurt more than name calling.

Because those words are words that describe someone who either refuses, fails, or does not know how to acknowledge that all babies are significant, all babies are blessings. It especially hurts even more when it is friends and family that uses those cruel words.

You know what you can say? My child's name! You know what you can offer? A hug! If all words fail, then just be kind. 

Pregnancy and child loss is not just about being miserable, confused, lonely, or misunderstood. I have learned that from stillbirth, there is a deep change that comes from it. I am not just learning how to change my perspective of expecting a child to no longer expecting, but also changing my perspective of my entire life and who I am. We never expect to lose anyone we love, even though we all know that no one lives on forever. But when we lose a baby from our wombs - from our lives - we often wonder what we have done to deserve this kind of loss and question what kind of world does this to mothers and babies?

No mother should have to be separated from her child, moreover, no mother should have to see her child die. 

We go through grief, trying to change our lives to feel better, to do better, to understand better, to be better, because loss feels much like your whole world fell apart and you're left with dust and crumbles, trying to piece together everything that once was. We then learn that no matter how hard or how much we try to "fix" it, it is never going to be the same, because something that was supposed to be there just disappeared. 

Can you imagine what it is like to be unpregnant (if that's even a word) after 5 months of pregnancy and then having to rewire your brain into realizing that you are no longer pregnant? And then having to repair your heart after such an unexpected loss? If you can, well then you would know that that was the biggest, most painful change I have had to overcome and accept, as did many mothers of a very similar experience. It's tough to let go because we have already become so attached the moment we knew we were expecting.

We never even had the chance to say hello or goodbye. How do we even say goodbye to someone who never had the chance to even look at us in the eyes?

"Having a baby DIE changes our lives forever." 

I know, what a very blunt way to say this, but it's true. Of course, anyone having a new baby in their life is a huge change. Parenthood is much more complex and requires more dedication, selflessness, and sacrifice than when it was "just the two of you."

However, when the two of you become three MINUS ONE, that is a whole different kind of change, a very deep traumatic and tragic one. It is a change that will effect the rest of our lives because the child that was supposed to change our lives ended up changing much more, that child changed our entire perception of life and death, of who we are, of what we deserve, of the world and how it works, of God, of everything!

This may be hard to understand if you're not a parent of loss, but I will say this anyway, just as I have said it before.

When a child dies, a part of us died with them, too. That part of us that died was all of the hopes and dreams of the family we were supposed to have - that will never be. That part of us was the piece of our soul that lived and savored the moments of pregnancy, birth, and even memories of their brief little life and our lives with them. 

So now, who am I after a stillbirth? A piece of myself is gone, forever! Am I still a mother? Possibly. Can I ever be myself again? Most likely not. Can things go back to the way it was? No.

I have gone through all of the questions after stillbirth that you can think of. Some of them are: What did I do to deserve this? Was I being punished for something? Did I not deserve to be a mother? Did I not deserve to keep my son? What's wrong with me? Why me? Why did this happen? How can this happen? What do I do now? Is it worth living life anymore? Am I still worthy of being a mother? Why do they get to have their babies and not me? What did I do? What did I not do? Is there a purpose to anything in life, in this? And this is just some of them, there's a lot more!

Moreover, I have questioned almost everything in my life, until I was exhausted and made me realize what needed to be accepted or changed. I have never been so aware of what death can do to a person...

And I have never been so lost in these kinds of questions, until I lost my son. I also never thought that these questions would change my life, my purpose, how I lived my life and treated myself and others, and my perception and judgments of myself. I lost much of my self-esteem questioning my own worth and the value of my life.

When you lose your self-esteem, you lose confidence. When you lose confidence, you lose faith. When you lose faith, you lose hope. And when you lose hope, well sadly, you lose yourself.

I lost myself and though I know very well that there is no time limit to grief, it has taken me over a year to rebuild myself and my self-esteem. Slowly, I have had to piece together everything I have lost or forgotten, but nothing is the same. Nothing is how I had imagined or expected it would be - in good and sucky ways. I am also still learning to let go of my paranoia that bad things might happen, again... because I just cannot handle anything else to come crumbling down after all of the hard work of rebuilding the new beginning of my new life.

My new life of living after loss.

But I feel different now. Maybe it is because I have been exposed to another side of life that I could never see or live life in the same way I have before. Maybe it is because birthing, seeing, and holding life and death in my arms knocked me out of my senses and gave me new ones. Whatever it is, all I know is that losing a baby changes and challenges everything and everyone you believed in and forces you become someone else. Someone who has to have the power to calm these inner demons, push through the unforgiving reminders, take the torture, and swallow a sea of endless tears.

Someone who had to be strong because I had no choice.

I now find myself back to square one, back to being a student, back to learning about life, but with a different pair of eyes, a stronger, but softer heart, and drive to change my life - this time voluntarily. Some days, there are setbacks and I grieve harder than I have before and makes me feel like the world is ending all over again, but I realized that who I am now - because of loss - will prepare me to do great and better things. Sometimes, grief is torture, but most of the time, it's motivation, because grief isn't just pain, it's also love - it's what drives me to do the things I do.

At first, I thought that I was at my lowest. Now, I realized that I am in a resting period. Learning to take life slowly, learning to flow, learning to take better care of my inner and outer world, learning to listen to what my heart is telling me to do. Learning these things are more powerful than you would think because in a world that is always in a rush, always going here and there to be entertained, always wanting things now, never truly being in the present moment, sacrificing health for wealth, eager to get a quick satisfaction, trying to be like everyone else and do what everyone else is doing... well it's a blessing to realize these things now.

It is because of loss that I now understand what it means to really, truly, and deeply love myself. Because that is what my journey of loss is all about, it is about the journey of learning how to love - not to survive - but to love. 

I am a Mother of an Angel and only the special ones are able to say that.

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