Why Women Have A Deeper Connection After Pregnancy Loss Than Men

August 8, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

The powerful bond of mother and child is incredible, enduring, and unconditional.

I have learned from grief that men and women grieve differently, especially after pregnancy loss. And I am sure to see the difference between myself and my husband and how we grieve the loss of our son.

This is not because of being highly right or left brained or being more logical or intuitive or "emotional." It is simply because of how a baby is brought into the world.

Just recently, I met a man at a local spiritual shop. His name is Omari and told me something that I felt needed to be shared. 

Omari is a man in his 40's who has experienced many things in his life, especially grief. He told me that there are many different kinds of grief and that with each kind of grief, there are different ways to deal with and heal from them. 

When I told him that I had lost my son, he looked at me as if in shock or disbelief. Until I made a clarification that my son was still in the womb just before he died, he gave me a sincere condolences and wasn't sure what to say. He has never met anyone who went through a stillbirth. 

He did know of a couple that went through a miscarriage and stated that the guy just didn't seem to be emotionally effected or showed any remorse or grief. He made this imitation as if the guy was walking around all "macho-like," as if nothing had happened. He probably gave little to no emotional support to the girl. However, I did suggest that perhaps he was hiding his grief. Who knows? But, that doesn't mean that this isn't true for many others. 

Some men are actually unaffected by pregnancy loss, but this doesn't necessarily mean it's their fault either. It's simply a matter of the physical and spiritual connection. 

Additionally, Omari said that when his sister (or aunt, I forgot) went through a miscarriage, her husband was very supportive. (And that he called him "husband" because he was doing a good job.) He even went on to do anything he could for her, gave her massages, and all that jazz. They now have two beautiful boys. Basically, the man was the "perfect partner" after such a loss. I guess it hurt him to see his wife in pain and that he was able to grieve and connect with her through the whole experience - like how a partner should - and that he wanted that child, too. 

So, he realized that not all men are unaffected by pregnancy loss, yet, everyone grieves differently and different things work for different people. 

To boil it down, Omari was trying to say that women tend to have a deeper connection to the child after loss because they "carry the seed." 

Women grow the child, they carry the child, the child gestates and lives inside of them. It becomes a part of the mother, connected by a cord. Isn't it obvious why women have a stronger connection to their babies and why they can feel such deep pain after loss, more than men? 

When you leave out the "emotional mess," deep grief and deep pain comes from a deep connection. For a mother to experience pregnancy or child loss, it is like a part of them was taken from them. And that is why women and pregnancy/child loss can be so impactful and difficult to deal with, and yes, more difficult than men. That is why it can be hard for women to see babies or children and pregnant women after loss, like myself. 

Omari then said that men simply become "the assistant." Because well, what can they do? They give the seed, but the women carry it. For how long - it doesn't matter - what matters is that the woman has become the portal of life. She feeds the baby, she carries the baby, she embodies and encompasses the baby. Nevertheless, the baby depends on her and her life. 

It may be difficult for men to have a connection to the child in the same way as women because they simply did not carry the child. And again, should I add that it is NOT always their fault. 

I also do not mean to say that men are not and cannot be providers, because in some ways they are and can be. They are able to and can provide the mother and child sustenance and a safe environment and if need be, emotional support - carrying a child is hard work and can drain the mother. 

Still, it is the mother's body who provides the baby it's nourishment to sustain its life. The mother is the primary caretaker throughout pregnancy, birth, and most of the time, during and after infancy.

The mother also experiences the physical pain of child birth and loss. 

Now, why did I take the time to write all of this?? And am I just speaking out of my arse and believing nonsense? No. 

My intention was to bring an awareness that mothers may grieve the loss of a child and take it more to heart because of the fact that they, themselves, were an attachment to the child. It takes a lot of out of women to grow a human body and with all of its wonders, it is still something that makes women more naturally attuned and connected to the physical and spiritual experience in creating, birthing, and nurturing a child. It takes A LOT out of a mother to lose her child.

My pregnancy loss is something I have grown to become proud of. As a woman who grew a child and then lost that child, this makes me even more connected to my son. And I have begun to see the blessing in that. 

There is a blessing in motherhood and motherhood after loss. 

Without a doubt, I know that women do not get enough credit (from both men and women) for being able to bring life into the world, especially when that life was cut short and that more fathers should be appreciated and noticed for the efforts after loss. Fathers should also be able to grieve openly and their grief needs to be heard and noteworthy, alongside a mother's grief. 

Omari said that in some way, this is what makes humans "immortal." He said something along the lines of: "We plant flowers, we grow flowers, and then we die." That "no one person can live here forever," but that we leave behind a legacy, our children. 

He even went on to say that "pigeons don't get enough credit for what they are." Even though he was pooped on by one, they actually are the most committed and hardworking parents to their babies, both the mother and father. Like some fish and other animals. 

Thank you, Omari, for being an inspiration.

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