It Is A Dream To Hear Your Voice

August 1, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

"A child's voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who've forgotten how to listen." - Albus Dumbledore
I am tempted to share this beautiful, yet, odd dream about my son who passed away. But, I'm taking the plunge anyway and going for it.

*The dream might be a little graphic (nothing sexual).

This morning, I had a dream about Elijah. The thing is, I have never had the chance to hear his cry - he was too young being at only 20 weeks and 4 days and he died right at birth. I haven't had a dream about Elijah in a long, long while. It seems as though after death and pregnancy loss, he just stopped giving me dreams about him (as a baby). I did have a recent dream about someone else's Elijah, but that's besides the point. To read more about this past dream, click here.

This dream, however, was actually about my son. And it woke me up in tears:

[I was in our bedroom, laying on the top end corner of the bed, next to the window. (At that corner, we keep a large teddy bear that my husband bought for me for Valentines Day years ago.) In the nook of the teddy bear's legs, there lies a baby. I knew that this baby was Elijah. I picked him up and held him on one arm, my left arm. He felt heavy and cold and was... dead. He was a much bigger size than when he was born, about a large 8 pound baby. He was very pale and his lips had already been painted, frozen and darkened. 

I didn't know what to do with him. I just looked at him in my arm and shocked to see my son. 

And then, he began to grow and as he grew, his skin was gaining color. Still in my left arm, Elijah was coming to life! It was remarkable! How could this be? It was like he was being reborn, resurrected from the dead by some magic from who knows where. 

He was now about as big as a one-year-old. Yet, as he was growing, he was also heating up. I saw that his cheeks were turning a flushed red and his body felt hot as well. He never opened his eyes, it was like the whole time, he was sleeping. I was worried and thought maybe he was having a fever. Again, I didn't know what to do. Then somehow, he was gone, disappearing from my arm. 

He changed again and this time to an age about two or three. 

We were on a grassy field, everywhere on the ground was green, no trees in sight. Sat in front of me was a mini refrigerator (such an odd thing) and in it Elijah told me to grab something. It was what he wanted. I could see how much fun he was having, running in circles around me and the mini fridge. I picked up the thing he told me to grab and to my surprise, it was a box of worms, bait worms. (And the thing is, my husband is a fisherman and usually buys that same box of worms.) They were night crawlers. 

Elijah told me that he wanted to eat them, as if he had always eaten them. Like it was his source of food. Logically thinking this is gross and knowing that the worms were used to fish for largemouth bass, I was confused. Why would he want to eat that?! Couldn't we just save these for his daddy to go fishing?? But he wanted them and asked for them nicely, so I gave them to him. He gave me this reassuring feeling that it was alright.

I never saw him eat the worms, but then his size changes again. He could fit into the fridge! And he was playing in it as if he was having so much fun. He even stuck in his head through the grids of the shelf and I told him not to do that, that he could hurt himself. He said that it was okay! And he was. He was playing in that thing as if they were monkey bars. 

All the while this whole worms and monkey bars thing was happening, I was so shocked to hear his voice! I was hearing Elijah's voice!!!! I quickly pulled out my phone to try and video record the whole thing to show my husband that Elijah was with me and that he WAS talking! I wanted him to hear his voice. And yes, the worms didn't bother me anymore after hearing his voice. 

I tried so hard to keep him talking that I said random things, just to keep the recording going. I sent the video to my husband and arrived back home in my bedroom again. 

For some reason, I felt so angry that my husband took so long to watch the video or even reply back. He was so busy with work. I'm not even sure he saw the video. But he got home and sat in the closet, facing the closet wall. He didn't want to face me. I was so happy to show him the video. while at the same time, tears were flowing from my eyes. 

He said, "You know that's going to make me cry." And he kept wiping his glasses, hiding his face from me. 

This made me cry even more because I wanted him to hear his son's voice. 

Then he said, "I shouldn't have kicked the box under the bed." 

I was, yet again, confused and heartbroken that he wouldn't look at me.] 

All that was left is the constant flow of tears and I woke up with this heaviness in my heart, crying. I don't know if these tears were of pain or joy, but hearing Elijah's voice was a miracle. I knew it was his voice, it was different than those I have ever heard. There was a distinct baby boy voice, a voice I knew was familiar and belonged to him.

I have had several dreams before where I have awakened with tears... but this dream is among the most emotionally heartbreaking and heartwarming. And for a moment, I thought I had actually recorded it all...

I later realized that the worms in the dream resembled a favorite and irresistible craving during his pregnancy - sour brite crawlers. Elijah loved sour gummy worms! A sweet, but sour reminder of when I was pregnant with him.

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