Day 9: One Thing I Wanted To Teach You

August 9, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 9
"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

I wanted to teach Elijah many things.

Like the alphabet, how to read, the kinds of animals there are and what sounds they make, how to say "mama" and "dada." As he gets older, I wanted to teach him the value of being kind and respectful to himself, others, and everything around him. I wanted to teach him the purpose of passion, learning, hard work, commitment, patience and yes, the purpose of pain and how to heal from it. I wanted to teach him how to take care of himself and others.

Most importantly, I wanted to teach him how to love. The love of self and the love of others.

Little did I know that he would become someone who would teach me the very thing I wanted to teach him. Every day, I learn a new thing and new ways on how to love, both myself and others. On how to be respectful, forgiving, compassionate, generous, nurturing and grateful as well as setting boundaries. Because of Elijah, I have learned the essence of unconditional love. Only, I have yet to fully share it.

There will come a time that with everything and everyone I meet, I will not only know how, but willingly open myself to love others and myself - unconditionally. This will surely take some time, since I am preparing and recuperating after loss. It's funny how the things you want to teach others are often the things you have never known or were self-taught or things you needed to know yourself.

What do you teach someone who basically taught you the very thing you needed to know and already knew?

I would like to think that Elijah knows everything. Elijah is a wise and powerful spirit and loves unconditionally. He even knows things that I might not know. So, this took me some time to really reflect.

If I could teach Elijah one thing, it would be the gifts of love from a mother who wanted him dearly. 

Elijah choose me to be his mother for a reason and that reason might be to experience what it is like to be my child. Elijah also choose to return to the spirit world for another reason, it may be to teach me on how to be a mother to a child. Whatever the reasons, I am sure it was for the highest and possible good.

I know that my mother loves me, but I honestly never felt unconditional love from her. I often felt that my childhood was stolen from me. I'm not saying this to blame or point fingers - I know that she did her best - but that this must stem from my family line, somehow passed down by my ancestors and those before me. This feeling of being inadequately loved since childhood has brought me to a place where I feel it needs to change or end.

I now know that it starts with me and that after loss, I am able to change or end it better than I could before loss.

I wanted to teach Elijah that my motherhood will be different and like myself, it will help him help the world in some unique way - big or small. He will be the son of a mother who wanted to make a positive impact in the world and by being his mother, he is already gifted with everything he needs and more.

I wanted to teach him the wonderful things a mother - who yearns and dreams of carrying, birthing, and caring for a child can abundantly, unconditionally, and powerfully bring - that no other can. I wanted to teach him the blessings in having me as his mother, even after death.

And by teaching him this, I will have shown him the love I have always had and wanted to give.

To read more about my 30 Day Writing Challenge For Stillbirth Mothers, click here.
Please let me know if you would like to join and I will include you in my final thoughts about this writing challenge in a blog post on Aug 31, 2017

Don't forget to hashtag: #30DayWritingChallengeForStillbirthMothers

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