Day 30: 5 Reasons Why I Deserve To Be Your Mother

August 30, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 30

Because you're mine and you will always be.
Today is one of the best days. Because I saved the best for last.

When I was creating this 30 Day Writing Challenge, coming up with the last prompt was the hardest! There were a few times that I kept deleting and re-typing because I just didn't know how to end it. Then, with a jolt of inspiration (probably from Elijah), I heard in my head, "5 Reasons Why I Deserve To Be Your Mother."

Moreover, I took some time to truly reflect after loss. Why did I deserve to be Elijah's mother? What makes me so special that I was the perfect mother to birth and care for Elijah? What even makes me fit to be anyone's mother? And why did Elijah pick me to be his mother?

Yet, before you read my five reasons, I truly believe that it is important to understand that as a Stillbirth Mother, it may be difficult to see or feel our deserving-ness. Pregnancy and child loss mixed with grief will often cause this questioning and feelings of worth or unworthiness.

Did I deserve to lose my baby? Did I not deserve to keep my baby? Did I do something wrong not to deserve my baby in my life? Did other mother's deserve to be mothers and not me? 

What is wrong with me?...

These are the questions that used to be so daunting and discouraging and I am very sure that every loss mother understands this very self-critical time in grief.

Although harsh, putting into perspective that it has taken much inner work to raise my self-esteem and believe that I have always deserved to be a mother and that no, I did not deserve to lose my son. However, this does not mean that I have not accepted my loss, but that I know deep down that I deserve to love my baby and have every right to claim the title of being a mother - his mother.

It does not matter whether or not I have had years of experience in being a mother. What matters is that my motherhood matters, too, and that no one could ever discredit or take away my experience. 

~

5. Because You Are A Part of Me



Despite losing him, it is still a beautiful thing to hear myself say, "Yes, I have a son."

And what these words mean to me is that there is a part of me that was nurtured and grown by my own body through the combined love of two souls. It still fascinates me that in this world, two can create another. Two can bring another soul into the world.

Yet, in my case, I have learned that a soul also has the right to return and for reasons that we may never understand or need time to understand. This was the realization that I needed to forgive myself of guilt and self-blame. 

It took me awhile to understand and face the fact that it was not my body that had disappointed me. It was that everything that has happened in my life, happened for a divine reason and that there is a timing in my life that I had to understand and follow. There truly is a purpose to everything we experience in life and I have found and accepted my purpose in loss.

Elijah is not just a percentage of my skin, blood, and bones, he is also a piece of my heart. His special piece is what makes my heart happy, even when it hurts, his piece in my heart is always loved and never forgotten, it is remembered everyday. His piece is what makes me whole, even when I feel that it is missing, his piece has never left from the moment I found out I was carrying him.

I published another blog post about why women have a higher and closer connection to their babies after loss than men. And I will repeat what I have learned and stated before:

It is because he was attached to me by a cord that he was truly a part of me, a part of my body; it was that together, we were one. I now deeply understand the bond of mother and child. To read more about this previous blog, click here.

4. Because I Fed You 


Elijah was never hungry because everything he wanted and needed to eat, I provided. He was connected to me and survived in the womb because of me.

I may not have fed him by breast or bottle or spoon, but I have fed him from inside the womb.

I have fed him, even when I couldn't eat, because my body always kept him nourished. I know because he grew and every time I saw his growth, I knew that I was doing was what every loving mother does; I kept him fed.

3. Because I Kept You Warm

Elijah was never cold because inside of me, he was always warm. He never shivered or known what cold was. All he knew was that he was cozy and that he was safe from the outside world.

Elijah never needed a blanket because I was his blanket.

2. Because I Gave Birth To You 


I went through hours of labor, just to see a tiny baby who would never breathe a single breath. I endured the waves of pain everywhere inside of me to give him life that ended in death.

I gave birth to him. I pushed and pushed until he arrived. I pushed and because I pushed, I have already made great strides in being his mother. And I will keep pushing, even after loss.

1. Because I Love You 


Love is the only thing that is important in this world. Love is what creates beauty, love is what nourishes, love is warmth, love is birthing and creating life, and love is loving, even after death. It is because I love you that I am willing to do so much for you, even if it means to live on without you.

Love is the only thing that matters. Love is what makes me deserving of happiness, of peace, of protection, and of love from others and myself. Love is what keeps me blessed, even through loss. 

Love is family.

Love is sacred.

Mommy loves you, Elijah.

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016  

To read more about my 30 Day Writing Challenge For Stillbirth Mothers, click here.
Please let me know if you would like to join and I will include you in my final thoughts about this writing challenge in a blog post on Aug 31, 2017

Don't forget to hashtag: #30DayWritingChallengeForStillbirthMothers

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* Read the full story about Elijah:

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