Day 18: Pregnancy Dreams

August 18, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 18

Some women during their pregnancy have crazy dreams about monsters and babies with tentacles or multiple limbs. I happen to have dreams about the future. 
I mentioned in my previous posts that before finding out Elijah's gender, I had a dream about having a girl and a few of having a boy. 

Unfortunately, I don't remember much about the one of the girl and one of the dreams of the boy. There were only a couple of dreams during my pregnancy that were really vivid and I could remember most - if not all - of the details. The dreams I can remember were about having a boy. 

The first one was set in some big cruise ship. And the crazy thing is, I have never been on a cruise! All I can remember was that my husband and I were on a ship and I was pushing this little boy on a stroller. He looked like a 1-year-old, at least under 2. We were strolling in what looked like a shopping area with some "friends." I can remember passing by some backpacks and was always checking on my son to see if he was okay. 

Though this dream was a bit short and vague, it was somehow the dream that I knew I was having a boy. 

Now, the second one, I have posted this a long while back because it was a very symbolic and foreshadowing dream. A dream that - to this day - I still don't quite understand why it came to me. It still amazes me of how similar it was to my real life. 

It is the infamous dream about my having twin baby boys and that it was telling me what of was going to happen before I knew it was. Not like a warning, but like a peak into the future. A future that I would have never expected. 

In real life, I didn't have actual twins, but I know that they were symbolic of something. And the strangest thing was... they weren't the typical identical or fraternal twins. 

In the dream, I just had twin boys, both wrapped in blue complete with a hat. I was a working mom, who left them in the care of the hospital, but felt so bad about not being able to nurse them; it was my goal to breastfeed (as well as in real life). 

While I had been working, they were left to feed on formula, which I had regretted. I was so ashamed of myself because I felt that I had neglected them and didn't take on what I had promised to do with them. I wanted to bond with them through breastfeeding and was disappointed that I never had the time. 

Then, one day, when I came to visit them, I was so happy to see my boys. Only, my happiness was cut short when I saw that my twins weren't identical. One of them was the perfect newborn size, maybe even a little chubbier than usual, and the other was so, so small! I was terrified to see this. Why did one of my babies look like this? Was this my fault? The small one was at least 2 or 3 times smaller than the bigger (normal) sized one and he had tubes in his nose, like he was ill and fighting for his life. 

On one hand, I had the perfect baby and on the other, I had a baby who I couldn't help. The bigger one preferred to be nursed and the other didn't want anything, but formula. I was hoping that if I fed him, he would grow and get better, but he didn't want me to! And he couldn't because he was too small. There was nothing I could do, not even hold him because he was so fragile that I was afraid of breaking him. 

I was heartbroken. I wanted to see both of my babies healthy and happy. Seeing this was torture, even though if I would just look at the other, he was ready to be my baby.

I couldn't help but focus more on the one who I knew I would lose. I didn't want to leave one behind.

I had this twin dream just days before finding out Elijah's gender and almost a week before losing him. It turns out that this smaller baby was actually Elijah. To read more about the twin dream, click here.

To read more about my 30 Day Writing Challenge For Stillbirth Mothers, click here.
Please let me know if you would like to join and I will include you in my final thoughts about this writing challenge in a blog post on Aug 31, 2017

Don't forget to hashtag: #30DayWritingChallengeForStillbirthMothers

* Read the full story about Elijah:

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