Day 16: A Letter To You

August 16, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone
August 16, 2017

Maternity 1909 By Pablo Picasso
30 Day Writing Challege: Day 16

"We never had a chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle. We long to hold and touch you. And listen to you giggle."

Day 16 is a special day. Not only does it have a very personal prompt, it is the day of every month that I write my Letters To Elijah.

On every 16th day of each month is another month that he is not here. (June 16th is Elijah's birthday.) On the bright side, it is a day of each month that I may reserve to reflect on my month's progress and/or challenges in grief or when I share my deepest thoughts and emotions to Elijah - in the perspective of a Still Mother. Nevertheless, it is a day that I share something special that I discovered during the past month. 

~

"Dear Elijah, 

A couple weeks ago, you gave me this dream in where I heard your voice. I know it was your voice because I felt it coming from you. And then, this one night, I was crying and asked you to visit me in my dreams [again]. To my surprise, you gave me a dream, but not of you... 

In the dream, your daddy, my sister, and I were in our bedroom and I was holding this baby. I never heard myself saying his name, but I was surprised that how out-of-nowhere, I suddenly had a five-month-old infant in my arms. 

The strange thing was, I didn't feel that this baby was you. For some reason, he felt like another child, another spirit. Yet, he did feel like mine because there was this familiar connection of the both of us as mother and son. I just know that this baby wasn't you and I'm not sure how to explain it. But, what I wanted to know was if this is the rainbow baby you picked? Is this your little brother?

I was so worried about feeding him, just like the in twin dream you sent me. Only, this dream was as if I was magically given or had a baby who was five months old and I was stressed about not being able to nurse, because well, I didn't remember ever giving birth to this child, and again - like the twin dream - didn't want to feed him baby formula. I'm not sure what this all means, but maybe it's that I'm overthinking that if I have another, I wouldn't know how or could care for it.

Perhaps you are showing me to be a little more responsible? To prepare? Or that I am just underestimating my motherly abilities and that I should have more faith in myself? 

This baby boy had this happy aura about him and all he wanted to do was play, even though it was so late in the night. It made me so happy to see your daddy throwing him mid air and hearing his baby giggle... though I wish it was you... It made me happy that my sister was there to assist me and stay by my side. Even though I was happy to have a baby in my arms, I was so... annoyingly worried. This worry and stress made me forget that there was a blessing in my arms, who was happy just being with us. He didn't care about being fed, he wasn't crying, he wasn't hungry, he was perfectly happy, something I wish I felt...

There was also something special about the onesie he was wearing, it was white with little figures in green and maybe yellow and brown. I don't know why, but I know it means something. I know that you are trying to tell or show me something.

Sometimes, I wonder if the rainbow baby you choose will be another boy. And it wouldn't surprise me if it was.

Love,

Your Mommy.

P.S. Did I tell you how much I love you?"

Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn 
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016 
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in 
Due October 30, 2016 

To read previous Letters To Elijah, click here.

To read more about my 30 Day Writing Challenge For Stillbirth Mothers, click here.
Please let me know if you would like to join and I will include you in my final thoughts about this writing challenge in a blog post on Aug 31, 2017

Don't forget to hashtag: #30DayWritingChallengeForStillbirthMothers

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* Read the full story about Elijah:

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