Day 10: If You Could Hear Me, Something I Would Tell You Is

August 10, 2017

By Sanda Rathamone

30 Day Writing Challenge: Day 10
Did I tell you that I love you?

I know that Elijah can hear me. He can hear my every wish and prayer, my every cry and laughter. I know that my little baby can hear me, just as clear as when he heard my voice and heartbeat from inside my womb.

I tell Elijah every day and night that I love and miss him, because this is all I really want him to know. And I can't help but say it for the ga-gillionth time and will continue to say it for the rest of my life.

"Elijah, I love you and I miss you." 

"I love you without any reasons or conditions. I love you so much that at one point it hurts, its too heavy and a huge burden. Yet, on another point, it's something that makes me happy and keeps me afloat.

From the very moment I found out about you, you stole my heart. I loved you then and still and always love you now and forever.

Some may say that it takes getting to know someone to love them. But, when it comes to you, loving you is pure instinct. Loving you was what helped made you and loving you - without seeing or touching you - is what helps me become a mother, your mother.

Missing you hurts even more. Because it makes me cry, it makes me feel empty, lost, and utterly confused. Sometimes, it makes me do terrible and desperate things, like staying in bed all day and doing nothing or running away because I don't want to face life. Why should a mother miss her child for the rest of her life? I realized that missing you means that I love you. Missing you means that wherever I am, you are always in my thoughts and in my heart.

I miss you because I wish that you were here. Could I just have you back inside of me and in my arms for a little longer? I miss you because though it feels highly unfair to live without you, I will still love you and keep a special place for you in my life. You will always be my soft and strong spot, a place that makes me so tender, but also a warrior.

You will always be my son, our baby bear. I love you, Elijah and I miss you."

To read more about my 30 Day Writing Challenge For Stillbirth Mothers, click here.
Please let me know if you would like to join and I will include you in my final thoughts about this writing challenge in a blog post on Aug 31, 2017

Don't forget to hashtag: #30DayWritingChallengeForStillbirthMothers

* Read the full story about Elijah:

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