By Sanda Rathamone
My husband and I loved baby aisle strolling (just to look around) even before we were pregnant with Elijah. Maybe it was out of sheer curiosity? Or, maybe it was just fun reading all of the cute little sayings on their tiny little clothes and imagining what our little boy or girl would wear.
* Photo above is just a nursery idea.
When we found out we were finally pregnant, it made these strolls even more exciting and this time, actually purposeful. Now, it was not us looking for fun, it was for real. We were now more aware of how costly it was to have a baby.
Looking for a crib was the most costly of all things baby shopping, excluding diapers.
We have a king-sized bed, so we didn't have much of a choice than to purchase a crib that was not only cost-effective, but also space savvy. We are also a young couple and just couldn't afford anything overly-priced.
But, oh boy, how those cribs looked beautiful. I have always wanted one of those solid wood cribs and pictured my baby sleeping in a white one.
We went to Babies "R" Us, just to check on prices. (And because I wanted to go there.) I was early in the pregnancy -- in the first month or so -- and secretly hoped that we would purchase a little something to look forward to.
Yet, the cribs there were so expensive! They offered many different styles and have the ones I have always dreamed of. But, they just weren't something we could ever afford nor would we have ever purchased any other baby item from their stores. We were better off looking at department stores like Burlington and Walmart.
I wanted to wait until we had a budget, but my husband was too excited on a deal with his then job. His job collaborated with online shopping deals on a payment plan. He could buy anything from household items to a boat! It was like an online Walmart and with every check he made, they would automatically deduct the amount based on the monthly payment. There were some baby items on sale and my husband decided to purchase the crib from their website. I mean $30/month for a $130-60 crib?? How could that go wrong?!
However, it was not one of those solid fancy wood cribs that I had secretly wanted, it was a Pack N' Play crib. The color and design was enough to say, "Okay. We can get this one." It didn't look so bad.
It was shipped and arrived not too long after we ordered it, which was awesome! With my small, petite self, I hauled it up the stairs. It came in this huge box. I was so nervous on what my in-laws were going to say. I was a bit embarrassed of my own excitement. I even had my vanity desk moved to other side of the room to make space for the crib.
We closed our bedroom door and started working. Putting it together was one of the most stressful things in the world! We thought it would be easy to assemble and the time it took for us to finish was a little longer than expected.
Nevertheless, the finish product was beautiful. Beautiful enough to say that I didn't care for the wood cribs anymore. It was the perfect fit in the corner of our room.
The crib had both a removable changing station and rocker/sleeper. It also came with some diaper storage with a vibrating night light with music sounds. We both loved the nature sounds of the water. We questioned here and there if it was too "girly," because what if we had a son and it looked too girly for him? The designs were in a black and cream-colored vintage pattern, but in all of its content, it was perfect. Whether boy or girl, we just wanted to see our baby sleeping in it.
I was about 12 or 13 weeks along when we put up the crib.
When my mother-in-law saw the crib, she warned us not to do it so early. Her and her superstitions...
If only I knew it was out of experience that we should never prepare too early.
As days and weeks passed, we looked forward to our baby's arrival. We looked forward to finally using this new thing in our room. I also adjusted to seeing it there in its perfect little corner. It was where our baby was going to be, our baby's personal space. It even gave our bedroom a gentler look. As if a touch of baby in our room beckoned you to come in and feel the innocence of baby love. It looked as if it had always belonged there.
Yet, all of those feelings disappeared the day we got back from the hospital. We never made it to 9 months, heck 6 months of pregnancy. We never made it to the finish line to see Elijah's little baby body quietly napping in his crib.
We put it away a day after we got home. It was the most silent, disappointing, and frustrating thing we had ever done together. Facing the reality that we no longer had a baby, moreover, a baby to use the crib was ... inexplicable. It was utterly sheer emptiness and numbing-ly painful.
All I can hear from my husband was, "We should've listen to my mom."
Yeah. Should have.
My husband also had to keep up with payments, even after Elijah's death. Even after he quit his job.
To this day, Elijah's unassembled crib is back into its box, in the back of our closet. It is too big to hide from my sight. I know that just behind winter coats, there sits a box with something we never had a chance to use. It sits there because the garage is too full, because I cannot find the courage to give or sell it away.
It sits there with the hopes that some day, soon, we can reopen the box.
However, I am not so sure that reopening and re-assembling the crib would bring back the exact same emotions as we did the first time around.
I am not so sure that I am ever ready too see it again, in the corner of our bedroom, next to our bed. Yet, again, I am so ready to use it.
I cannot get rid of this yearning.
Some days, I want to put it back up just to stare at it. Just to imagine Baby Elijah crying in his crib -- for me -- one more many times.
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- Signs From Above: My Son Always Sends Love
By Sanda Rathamone
"There is a unique pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for the child that never comes."
However, trying to conceive, let alone, trying for a "rainbow baby" isn't so easy nor so happy. And that is why I feel that there is a need to talk about this.
The journey of a rainbow baby -- after an angel baby -- isn't always as happy as everyone makes it to be. For me and many others, it is a long, drawn-out struggle. Torture.
It is now one year and one week that I have waited to become pregnant after the loss of Elijah. One year and one week that I wake up and pee, just to see the billionth negative pregnancy test. I'm still a little late, there is still a slim possibility of what might be, could be, and is. But really, what are the chances that this time, it is different?
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| BFN on 6/23/17 |
If you haven't read my past blog posts, you wouldn't know how hard it was to conceive Elijah. It took about four years after going off the pill to become pregnant, naturally. You also wouldn't know that I have struggled with an unpredictable menstrual cycle and that in the past, I have struggled with amenorrhea (after the pill).
It is extremely difficult to pin point ovulation and the exact day of when the next cycle will start. It was even difficult for doctors to figure out my due date with Elijah because they couldn't estimate a date of conception. My periods, like my life, is a complicated mess.
I have never decided on receiving treatment or supplements, ovulation kits, fertility aids, or even if it was him and not me. I just didn't want to bother nor do I have the funds for it. I can barely even afford to buy pregnancy tests and the embarrassment of going into the clinic just to be told that, once again, I am not pregnant.
I don't want to hear them asking me those same questions.
"Did you want to be pregnant?" "Have you ever tried the app?" "Do you take folic acid?"
I just wanted to be like everyone else, a "normal"
person who can conceive and birth a healthy pregnancy and baby.
It has been extremely disappointing to see negative test after negative test, even during those times before having Elijah. It is now even more discouraging when we are "trying" for another, while my in-laws babysit their new baby granddaughter at home.
Lingering beneath my silence still lies those questions, "Why her, not me?" "Why her, not Elijah?" "Do I not deserve to be a mother?" "Where is my baby?"
Now, you can see why it is so difficult for me to even look at her...
Everyone I know, all over social media, is getting pregnant and having new babies. It is like I am being tested. Tested for being patient, humble, whatever you want to call it.
I have done so much, I have suffered and gone through so much. When will it end? When will I get my chance?
Do I even deserve a chance?
That's the thing about TTC and stillbirths, you start to question your own worth and what is wrong with yourself.
I feel that I am floating in an ocean, made of my own tears and sorrow. After losing Elijah, I was forced to move off shore... to who knows where and which I hope is to our rainbow baby.
I am waiting for a sign, any sign of a new shore, new land. To start over. To start fresh.
I've been floating around for what feels like forever. Sometimes, I'm suspended, stuck, not moving at all. Sometimes, I'm making progress, gaining stamina and distance. All with the hopes that I will reach this new destination.
People say to enjoy the journey, rather than to focus on the destination. But, how can I? How can I when this journey feels heavy, many times hopeless, and even more difficult as I run into pregnant women and seeing everything pregnancy and baby plastered all over my line of vision?
How do I enjoy anything at all?
Maybe I am not being grateful enough? Maybe I am not being humble enough? Maybe I am not being faithful enough??
What is it??? And what more can and does it take?
I try my best to be happy for others, but still, here I am, waiting. Waiting for I don't know how long or what will happen.
I always thought that getting pregnant was the easiest thing in the world. I never knew what infertility or pregnancy loss was truly about or how tedious it is to make charts and keep track of this and that, all just to make a baby! I've never done the whole chart thing, I don't think I could ever want to.
Trying to follow "the app" is even worse. That thing isn't accurate at all. And no matter how many "hearts" I record, it has never hit the right time nor changed the fact that I am not pregnant. Where is the baby??
Maybe what I am asking for isn't a prayer or for hope, but an understanding that I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. That I am struggling for something I have always wanted. Something that shouldn't be so damn hard...
My aunt asked me days ago if I was pregnant, yet.
No, I said.
Then she says, "You're still young. Keep trying."
If only she knew what I went through just to get pregnant. If only she knew that I tried with everything I could inside of me to keep going, keep trying.
If only she knew that being young has nothing to do with getting pregnant.
In her 40s and not too long ago, she had baby. Now, a one-year-old crawling boy. She was pregnant just months before I was, with Elijah.
I didn't find it hard to see my new cousin, I wanted to hold him. My boy would be a one-year-old in October... but he's now one in heaven.
If only she knew that I would give everything I had for another chance... and that I probably have given it my all.
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* Read the full story about Elijah:
By Sanda Rathamone
We were in the hospital, stuck on the fourth floor in Isolation... well, I was. My husband could go anywhere he wanted, but I couldn't. Not until I was cleared and given permission. He stayed with me as long as he could, but needed some time to relax. With my "okay" (because I didn't want to be left alone), he decided to go on a quick local fishing trip, to unwind and getaway for a little while.
It was the day doctors found a positive blood culture — out of three samples — for some "infectious disease" that looked similar to meningitis. It turns out that it was some rare infection that doctors couldn't figure out if I had contracted before or after starting antibiotics (before labor), or even if I had it long before then. Or if this was the cause of my premature rupture, they didn't know. Fortunately, I didn't show any signs of illness and appeared to be healthy and doing just fine. Doctors still took precautions and kept me on antibiotics through my I.V. for another day [and prescribed it in pill version for when I was released from the hospital].
Last year, Father's Day sucked, because instead of celebrating my husband's "to-be" fatherhood, we were in a tiny hospital room, grieving the loss of our son. I felt sooo bad. If it wasn't for me, if it wasn't for this, we wouldn't be here.
My husband and I barely slept during those hospital days. We were both exhausted. Still, I felt that he deserved to be part of Father's Day. He deserved a lot of love from all of the hard work and commitment to taking care of me throughout the whole experience. With an I.V. still stuck to and pinching my arm 24/7, I gave him a back massage. That was the only thing I could do... I couldn't give him a Father's Day gift, I couldn't even give him his son.
It turns out that the massage was something that helped relieve some tension and was much appreciated. He deserved a bit of pampering for everything he did for me. It even got him to fall asleep.
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| Via Facebook |
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| Via Facebook |
Ever since then, I have noticed his strong commitment to care for me, especially in grief.
There are times where we do not see eye-to-eye on the grieving processes or experience similar emotions and at times, do not have the same perspectives, but for sure, he is the only person who truly knows my deepest pains and yearning for our son. He is also the only other who would love Elijah forever, in a very similar way as myself.
I never made specific plans for this Father's Day. Things have changed and our financial situation is currently under strain, but still, I felt that I needed to do something. Anything. Anything to make him feel loved and appreciated as a father.
A few days ago, we were either at a Target or Walmart and we walked passed the card section. I think I heard him say something along the lines of, "Hey, look! Cards!" I felt a bit of a yank to go into that direction, but we kept walking. I later asked him if he wanted to look at cards, but he said no. The thing was... I had already bought him a card. All that time I spent searching for the perfect card for Elijah, I was also looking for the perfect one for him.
A few days ago, we were either at a Target or Walmart and we walked passed the card section. I think I heard him say something along the lines of, "Hey, look! Cards!" I felt a bit of a yank to go into that direction, but we kept walking. I later asked him if he wanted to look at cards, but he said no. The thing was... I had already bought him a card. All that time I spent searching for the perfect card for Elijah, I was also looking for the perfect one for him.
On the morning of Father's Day, we were still unsure of making any plans. He did, however, wanted to visit Elijah's tree. Days prior, I asked if he wanted to go fishing (his favorite hobby), but oddly, he declined. I wasn't sure if he didn't want to go because this day was a sad reminder or because he just didn't feel like going.
I decided to make brunch and before leaving the bedroom, hand him the card. I asked if he was going to read it, I wasn't sure if he wanted it. We had a long hug and I told him, "Happy Father's Day!"
With disappointing tone in his voice, he said, "But, he's not here [to celebrate]."
This made me feel... hurt. I wanted him to feel like a daddy. I wanted him to be happy. I didn't know what to say, but hoped that he would read the card before our meal. I wanted him to know how much of a father he was in my eyes. I wanted him to see himself as a father, because he was and still is.
Maybe it's that loss of experience to raise him or that he will never get to enjoy doing anything with Elijah that made him reluctant. Maybe it was because he didn't feel like a father or because it was simply the absence of Elijah that didn't make Father's Day any interesting or special. But, I know that from hearing my words, from calling him "Daddy" and telling him that he is Elijah's daddy, it gives him a bit of assurance and encouragement, maybe even comfort. I know that what he felt during this day was most likely what I felt on Mother's Day. I know that we felt the same pain for each other because we both wanted Elijah to be there on our "special" day.
Despite the loss of Elijah, he will always be his father. He may not be the traditional father, but he fathered Elijah before and after he was born, before and after his death. He has shown me his daddy instincts and his fatherly qualities more than ever before. He might not see it, but I do. He might not think so, but he deserves to be a father and to celebrate being a father.
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Because being a parent comes from the heart. I know that there is so much daddy love inside of him that he would make one of the funniest and fun dads, ever. I know that he would be the best teacher of all things fishing and help raise one of the smartest and kindest person in the world.
This Father's Day, like the last one, included some pampering — a massage — and a trip to Elijah's tree. It was, indeed, a very hot summer day, which took up most of our energy, but I was happy to hear that he appreciated his special day.
I hope that you know and remember that I wanted you to be a daddy as much as I wanted to be a mommy. I hope that on the next Father's Day, you are a father of two, holding them both in your heart and one in your arms.
Happy Father's Day, My Love.
* Read the full story about Elijah:
By Sanda Rathamone
June 17, 2017
Updated: December 1, 2018
There was not a BBQ, no
banners or balloons. No cake, no singing. No truckloads of gifts. Not even guests to
celebrate with. I didn't want any of those things and this was
not how I had ever imagined what celebrating my first child's very
first birthday would be like. I had never imagined a birthday so
silent, yet, so comforting.
June 17, 2017
Updated: December 1, 2018
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| pc: welcometomyworldam |
It was a day to honor and imagine what could have been, to remember my pregnancy journey, and enjoy the wonderful memories we had as parents-to-be as well as grieving parents (and at times, plan for the future). It was a day of being together - just our little family - and I liked it this way. It felt right.
We went on a little trip for some sight seeing at the Muir Beach Overlook - a new place for us to visit - and saw this perfect view of the coast. It wasn't to die for, but it was enough to say that I would come back just to watch and listen to the waves. Perhaps even have a little picnic there.
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| Yellow Wildflowers |
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| The walkway |
If only Elijah could see this, too. And that is why we brought him along - in photo frame and box version. Surprisingly, we saw whales breaching nearby the cliff and shore. It was a nice touch and reminded me of the first trip (of four) to release his ashes.
We went to a beach in Monterey and saw whales blowing water everywhere!
We went to a beach in Monterey and saw whales blowing water everywhere!
There is also a beach nearby the overlook, but on a nice, sunny day, there were just too many people out and about. The beach was a disappointing no-go and too busy with large crowds. So, we decided to make a little fishing trip an hour or so away. Somewhere less crowded and noisy. Again, being near water helps a lot.
My husband had his fishing fix and I had some time to work on this blog. Pretty convenient if you ask me.
My husband had his fishing fix and I had some time to work on this blog. Pretty convenient if you ask me.
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| Muir Beach Overlook |
As for Elijah's
birthday present, I spent some time creating a second memory box (we had one gifted from the hospital) over the
past few weeks, while also finding and placing items in the box to honor him. A special one
that I had to re-create was a pregnancy journal. I had to go back and
remember everything about my pregnancy! It was fun, relaxing, and a bit of a mission.
My husband wanted to add his own words to the journal and did so during our little trip. This was our "therapy" that made us laugh and rekindle our relationship. It made me happy to realize that my husband and I shared one of the most intimate and wonderful things in the world; our love for Elijah.
My husband wanted to add his own words to the journal and did so during our little trip. This was our "therapy" that made us laugh and rekindle our relationship. It made me happy to realize that my husband and I shared one of the most intimate and wonderful things in the world; our love for Elijah.
Every minute of this
trip, we knew that Elijah was there. His crows and butterflies are
always giving us a nudge and a lot of love. Grief
is limitless, timeless, but it comes with a beauty like no other.
Happy First
Birthday, Baby Boy.
We love you!
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| Mommy and Daddy |
"By the smiles on our
faces, you would never know how much pain we feel and have felt. You
would never know that behind closed doors, we grieve. You would
probably even walk by us and not know that we are forever changed and
heartbroken by the loss of our son. You would just see us as 'normal,' average people, doing and acting 'normal' and average things.
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| Elijah's Daddy |
You would even most likely assume that we are not parents at all, because you do not see or know about our son or because we do not raise our child the same way you or others do.
Yet, you would also
not know how much it has taken for us to enjoy life again. You would
not know what we have done and endured to smile and laugh as we had used
to."
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| Elijah's Mommy |
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| Elijah's Mommy |
"In these photos, you
might see that our eyes are behind rose-colored lens. But, no, they
are not. They are lens of seeing the world in a whole new and different
way, in which not all are privy to. It takes profound
strength, courage, vulnerability, and an immensity of pain to see what we see, to know what we know, and to feel
what we feel. It takes more than perseverance, it takes all that
we have ever had to make it anywhere through grief."
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| Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn |
The photo we are holding is of Elijah at the hospital, just hours after birth. It was taken by my sister, who is very much appreciated for capturing a "sleeping" moment. This photo has become our favorite, framed and displayed, and is always a gentle reminder of a sleeping angel.
With love,
Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in
Due October 30, 2016
Must Read:
* Read the full story about Elijah:
By Sanda Rathamone
One year of grief, the first year without him, the one year anniversary of his passing, and the day he was born.
"Dear Elijah,
It brings me great joy and a twinge of sadness that you are now 1-years-old! It has now been one whole year since the day you were born and the day you swiftly made your departure.
It is bittersweet to imagine you as this chunky, rambunctious, and curious little boy. Perhaps with a few teeth, full-on fast running legs and feet, and a smile and laugh that I could never live a day without. I would never, ever get tired of knowing that you are happy and fully loved.
Instead, you are celebrating your first birthday as an angel in heaven. And your daddy and I are here honoring your day without you.
I don't think I will ever get used to the reality that you're there and I'm here. That your baby cousin is here and not you. Instead, she is the new addition to the family and you are not. I don't think I can ever heal from this kind of emptiness and disappointment it brings me. Who knew that such emptiness can feel so heavy...
I don't think anyone knows how much this hurts me, more than you do. I know that you can hear and feel the sharpness of my pain for you.
Nevertheless, I do know that you are always with me in spirit. I know that you wipe my every tear, kiss my cheeks, and hold my hand. I know that you love me as much as I love you and that you comfort me during my times of distress.
A year passes by so quickly, yet, it has been so painful for me that in some ways, a year feels like an eternity. I still remember everything that had happened, as if it wasn't too long ago that I was pregnant with you or was in a hospital gown, laying on a bed -- heaving and crying in labor. I cannot seem to forget anything, but it has gotten better...sort of. I have stopped replaying every hospital scene -- like I used to -- all of those minutes and hours of counting down to the moment of losing you. I am no longer haunted by those sad hospital memories.
I am haunted by the notion that the majority of family has pushed you aside. You are the least of their worries, the very last of their thoughts, and an "uncomfortable topic" for them. I don't blame them though; I would rather keep our family treasured elsewhere, forever in our hearts. Because that is where you will always belong. They will never hold nor carry you -- just like how they hold and carry your baby cousin -- but I always will. I will carry you, even though, sometimes, the weight is too much for me to hold. It is also a duty for me to cuddle and keep your bear nice and warm, hoping that you can feel my love through your little bear.
Anyway, I would rather enjoy the special love coming from those who do remember and pray for you. Those who see the beauty of your brief little life. Those who are openly fearless in showing you love and care. But still, it hurts that I cannot share you with everyone [in the way that I'd like to].
Anyway, I would rather enjoy the special love coming from those who do remember and pray for you. Those who see the beauty of your brief little life. Those who are openly fearless in showing you love and care. But still, it hurts that I cannot share you with everyone [in the way that I'd like to].
This. Fucking. Hurts.
I also cannot help, but to tell you that on my last day of work, a coworker hugged me goodbye and gave me a second one for you. He said that he hoped that I would "have a million more." *Giggles* But, a million more babies could never replace what I have felt and feel for you. All I wanted was you.
I feel this urge to purchase books and toys, clothes and cards for your birthday. I feel that you deserve something. Yet, again, this hurts, because I cannot give them to you. I cannot watch you push a toy car or turn the pages of a book. I will never hear the happiness of your baby-toddler voice or see the cheer and innocence of your smile. What use would it be to buy you anything??? .... But I still feel that I have to, because you deserve it.
All I can really do is give you my love through prayers and thank you for everything you have done. You have helped me see the potential and motherly qualities in myself. I will always thank you for making me a mother. It is always an honor to be your mother and there is no other who would love you as much as myself. I could never replace nor trade you with any other child, either. You are just too precious.
As much as I wished things were different, I am still happy to call you my son. You will always be my little miracle, our little baby boy.
It would have been such a miracle if you had also survived. Even if it was just for a few hours, I would have loved to see you move your tiny fingers and toes. I would have loved to feel the warmth of your skin.
I wrote this letter at my favorite getaway place. I wish you were here to listen to the calm waves that I love so much. I would have loved to watch you run around, chasing seagulls in tiny blue-stripped shorts and a green shirt with the words "Mommy's Little Man and Daddy's Best Buddy" across the front. And then smile at the sight of your daddy chasing you under the warm, happy sun.
I would have loved to hear us sing "Happy Birthday" to you and your babbling words trying to mimic the song, and celebrate the first year of your life.
I would have loved to hear us sing "Happy Birthday" to you and your babbling words trying to mimic the song, and celebrate the first year of your life.
Happy first Birthday, Elijah.
P.S. I truly believe that if you were here, I would be the happiest mother on earth. I also wonder if you are the one who is sending me all of these rainbows appearing at just the right moment, and in that dream...
With so much love,
Your Mommy."
Elijah Rathamone-Saeteurn
Born Thursday, June 16, 2016
6:51 a.m. 9.9 oz and 10 in
Due October 30, 2016
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